Ed Kenney, a three-sport athlete, runs cross-country in the fall, wrestles in the winter, and runs track in the spring. He finished 12th in last weekend’s Wesleyan Invitational meet, good for fifth on the team, but not up to his own expectations. I recently talked with Ed about his expectations for the cross-country season, his off-the-course antics, and his greatest attribute.

MD: So what are your predictions for this season?

EK: My prediction is pain.

MD: What about personal and team goals?

EK: My ultimate goal is to help the team to a National Championship. We’ve assembled a team of great talent. Now’s the time to capitalize on all our hard work. I once had a dream that we won Nationals. I thought it was about last year, but I guess I was a year off.

MD: Tell me about the rivalry with your twin brother.

EK: Willie [who ran for Bates] owned me freshmen year. I came back to beat him sophomore year, he beat me junior year, and then he graduated [Ed took a year off to travel the world after high school]. So I guess he had an edge, but he who laughs last laughs best. Let’s just say I’ll be the only Kenney record holder.

MD: Which of you won the legendary Kenney dance-off two years ago?

EK: Just ask the Amherst women’s team. I served him in the race and then I served him on the dance floor.

MD: I heard you were on a rigorous workout schedule in Oregon this summer. What else did you do there?

EK: Whoring.

MD: Didn’t you get into a fight with a rabid dog while you were there?

EK: I fight any number of wild beasts on my excursions. The dog was vicious, but I had the upper hand. I wrestled him to the ground and choked him until he passed out.

MD: And what did you do during your summer trip to Honduras last year?

EK: I got pick-pocketed and I got Dengue Fever. Plus I was working in political intrigue, trying to get a liberal candidate elected. We were fighting against Pepe Lobo, who was robbing the poor and executing innocent children. Fortunately, the Honduran popular movement prevailed, and the liberal candidate, Mel Zelaya, was triumphant. Urge El Cambio! Urge Mel! [We need change! We need Mel!].

MD: How were the ladies in Honduras?

EK: The great thing about Latina chicks is that they know how to move their hips. It’s like Shakira says, “The hips don’t lie.”

MD: What’s the story behind the “Welcome to Ohio Wesleyan” banner that was hanging from your front porch?

EK: An Argus writer I know decided he wanted a banner for the house when we were at Ohio Wesleyan for Nationals last season. They were on break there, so it was an easy venture. I did almost slice off my thumb though. But no conquest is not worth spilling a little blood for.

MD: That explains the blood on it. Where is the banner now though?

EK: To the cowards who took it, I will hunt you down!

MD: That’s pretty lame for someone to take a banner with your blood on it from your front porch. Anyway, what else do you do in your spare time?

EK: I’m an outdoorsman. I like to ski, go climbing, play the piano… naked sometimes, as my housemates can attest to.

MD: And what’s your best attribute?

EK: My drive. I’m a very driven individual. When I put my mind on something, I can usually do it. That and the size of my balls.

MD: How big are your balls?

EK: Let’s just say that their reputation precedes them.