Students were shocked Friday to discover that Wesleyan’s Information Technology Services (ITS) was not to blame for their faulty internet connections. The problem was discovered to be that ethernet cables were universally too short to reach students’ computers.

The Wesleyan Computer Store revealed that this year they had ordered their supply of ethernet cables from the Vatican. The cables were part of a new line of computer supplies, “Papal Cables,” that Pope Benedict XVI has been marketing.

The Pope has expressed “deep respect” for the students of Wesleyan, and is sorry if his cords have offended anyone. He maintains, however, that the length of the cords is not his responsibility. The appropriate length of ethernet cables was ordained by 14th-century Christian emperor Charles the Bald, and Benedict XVI was apparently following this regulation in his decision to make the cables their present length.

“Long ethernet cables are evil and inhuman, just like certain non-Christian prophets who will remain nameless,” the Pope said. Vatican spokesman Father Frederico Lombardi, a distant cousin of space pilot Falco Lombardi, defended the Pope, saying, “He’s infallible, guys. Come on.”

In the Pope’s defense, Brody Ruckus has started a new Facebook group, titled “If 100,000 people join this group, the Pope will sodomize me.”