The Catholic Church thinks that it’s time for a change. The recent International Census showed that Catholicism has lost its popularity amongst target demographic groups such as 18- to 34-year-old males, party peoples, and big-tittied blondes with asses that taste like cotton candy. Furthermore, opinion polls show Pope Benedict XVI standing rungs of popularity below his predecessor, the late John Paul II.

Leon Johnson ’08 summed up this disenchantment: “Dude’s, like, the sixteenth? Couldn’t he think of something more original? What about Pope Leon the First? That shit’d be tight.”

To combat this slipping popularity, the Church has enacted several “fresh” ideas to appeal to the “kids” of “today.” Most notable is the slew of controversial canonizations, which started with a quickie sainthood for Mother Theresa and recently saw the fictional MacManus brothers from the film The Boondock Saints canonized.

“Honestly, it’s not that big of a deal. I mean, who doesn’t love more saints? They’re like religious celebrities,” said recently-appointed Bishop Don “Magic” Juan. Added Bishop Juan, “It’s just that I think we used to be at the Dr. Dre level of celebrity. Now we’re more at the Paris Hilton level of canonization. I mean, we didn’t all win Pimp of the Year eight years running, did we?”

Another new appeal to the youth comes from Pope Benedict himself. He has created a new television show in the vein of “Jackass” and “Punk’d,” entitled “Rat-Zingers!,” in which he pulls pranks on an unsuspecting public. Upcoming episodes include a staged high-speed Pope-mobile chase as well as the Pope dancing the hora with a congregation of orthodox Jews.

Whether or not these changes end the decreasing popularity of the Church, one thing’s for sure: that Pope sure has done fucked up.