One of the best things about being a sophomore is that I now have basic human rights. As we all know, freshmen are subjected to physical abuse, mind games, and humiliation as part of their welcome to Wes. I personally won’t miss Ookie Cookie Wednesdays, or being used as a urinal by drunken seniors, but studies have shown that beatings and subjugation are a proven, effective method of achieving both class unity and mental toughness. I may not have particularly liked getting kicked in the nads for making eye contact with a senior, but dammit, that shit builds character. Same with having anonymous Wespeaks written about how you can’t get it done in bed. Or being forced to drink a fifth of gin before all of your midterms. Character, dude. And do you know what else character breeds? Tolerance. That’s right. We will fucking beat you until you’re full of love and welts.

Sometimes, though, we upperclassmen can go too far. True to the promise I made to myself last year, I will not give out punishment in the same manner in which I was forced to endure it. For example, while giving the traditional beating with a sack of doorknobs to a frosh who neglected to hold the door open for me, not only did I only beat him three times instead of the standard five, I used a 15- rather than a 25-pound sack. It’s things like this that both foster kindness and effectively soften up freshmen before they are thrown into The Hole during the last week of classes.

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