Rule #1: Always wear a hat.

It’s very important that you always have a hat or some other sort of head-blanket covering the top of your scalp. Visors don’t count as hats.

Lesson #1: Visors are Stupid.

Hats not only shield your eyes from the sun, but act as a mode of self-expression. Visors only have a brim; they’re all function and no style, like a woman who is only a vagina. Tempting, but as much as you hate to admit it, also having breasts is worth also having all the other shit. And so women are like the rest of the hat.

Rule #2: Always wear a hat.

This shit is like Fight Club, man. The first and second rules are the same for emphasis.

Even when you’re inside, make sure you keep your hat on. Really, the only times that are acceptable for you to leave your head uncovered are when you go to sleep, go in water (shower, pool, etc.), and one other exception (see Rule #3). Even when you’re having sex you should be wearing a jimmy hat (cuz mad bitches got that VD!).

Rule #3: From time to time, show up somewhere without your hat, so you get to hear people exclaim, “Oh my god, _______, where’s your hat?!,” ’cause that never gets old.

Rule #4: Choose between always wearing one hat and often switching between lots of crazy hats.

You’ll either be known as “the kid with the hat” or “the kid with the hats,” respectively.

Rule #5: Follow this Guide, but never, under any circumstances ever, tell anybody that you follow this Guide.

For whatever reason, following guides is not cool anymore.

Rule #6: Have a good hat story.

Eventually, someone, usually a girl, in order to figure out why you always wear that fucking hat, will want to know where it came from. Come up with a good story that involves, like, a brutal murder or something— nothing too crazy, because it has to sound real. Maybe involuntary manslaughter.

Rule #7: Be polite.

Rule #8: Throw ill dance parties.

Rule #9: Buy Ted Feldman’s Guide to Not Wearing Hats at Wesleyan and study the enemy.