So, Einstein, you’ve finally made it to college, where some of the country’s brightest minds gather in one intellectual nirvana to discuss the likes of Kafka, Kant, and Khrushchev. Uh-oh. I just named three guys whose names start with “K.” Like… KKK. You know, the guys in sheets. One might call this little snafu… Aaaaawkward!

You just witnessed an example of Wesleyan’s favorite word, “awkward!” Remember all those words you spent months and months memorizing for the SATs, like “capricious,” “juxtaposition,” and “buh-donk-a-donk?” Well, forget ’em! And in a place where the beer flows like urine and the urine flows in public, that shouldn’t be that hard.

See, at Wesleyan, there’s only one word you need to know, and that word starts with “a” and ends in “wkward.” And it’s not “alexgelmanworkedoutsomuchoverthesummerdidyouseehispecs…wkward.” It’s “awkward,” a word that’s flexible, can be used at any time, and comes very easily.

Unfortunately, like the ability to confess to the notorious murder of a childhood model that happened ten years ago, the use of the word “awkward” is often abused. Therefore, I present to y’all a clear delineation between instances that are awkward and those that are not, a veritable Mason-Dixon line between the self-conscious South and the normal North.

Normal: You show up at a party and the guy you hooked up with last night is there.
Awkward: You show up at a family reunion and the guy you hooked up with last night is there.

Normal: You show up to class late.
Awkward: You show up to class late… and the class is “Getting Your Period.”

Normal: “Excuse me, you’re standing on my foot.”
Awkward: “Excuse me, you’re standing on my foot. Please hand it back to me so I can reattach it to the rest of my leg.”

Normal: Your roommate used one of your pillowcases.
Awkward: Your roommate used one of your pillowcases… as a condom.

Normal: There is a snake on your plane.
Awkward: There is a motherfucking snake on your motherfucking plane.