Welcome to Wesleyan! Now that you aren’t going to concern yourself with the rigors of going pre-med, you should try to relax a bit and work on socializing.
I know what you’re thinking: “But Brian, I’m 5’4”; I weigh 124 pounds; I have webbed feet and a horrible complexion; I smell like grilled cheese sandwiches; my belt and my shoes never match; and I have an irritable bowel. I just can’t make friends.“ Well, that’s why I’m here. Here are some conversation starters to get you going. Try these, and you’re guaranteed to make a few Facebook friends, and maybe one real one.
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”Hey, man, this might be the alcohol talking, but what do you say we steal a cop car and drive by elementary schools?“
”I’m all for the destruction of the gender binary. To prove, it I would invite any hot woman to come into the men’s bathroom in the next 5 minutes. I’ll be in the second stall from the door. No fatties, please.“
”Martin Luther King would be 92 today, if my ancestors hadn’t killed him.“
”I have a great joke concerning Dick Cheney shooting someone.“
”Oh, wait, you aren’t white? Um… I love jazz too, man.“
”That’s a public school, right? How the hell did you get into college?“
”I’m pissed that we don’t get Columbus Day off. I mean, we would never have to go to school if he was a black man.“
”This was my safety school.“
”Who can honestly say they’ve met a hardworking Mexican? Nobody! Put up a little wall and they’re not interested. Unless, of course, they can hit homeruns over it.“
”My summer job was really good. I was a fluffer for a girl-on-horse film.“
”… And that is why Social Security should be privatized. It is also why women do not belong in the workplace.“
”I can’t wait to read James Frey’s new book, Franklin Delano Roosevelt: An Autobiography.“
”Yeah, I remember my first aborted child. I was too afraid to tell my parents that I got pregnant, so I birthed him… wait, was it a him or a her? Oh well, it wasn’t really alive yet— no, I believe that you aren’t really alive until you first listen to Dark Side of the Moon. Anyways, I had to suffocate it in a dumpster. Then I hooked up with a heroin addict in the garbage. Abortions number two and three subsequently occurred.“