The four surviving members of Wesleyan’s class of 1936 are looking forward to what will surely be a joyous and mirthful 70th reunion. This reporter managed to get ahold of each of the four men before their return to their alma mater. Obadiah McClatchy, 93, says he can’t wait to meet his former classmates. “What’s that? Wesley’s here? Muriel, make some tea, Wesley’s back from college! Damnit, woman, get some of that India tea on the stove for our guest! There’s no time to put the pancakes in the oven!” said Obadiah, still full of the vigor he displayed as captain of the football team. Obadiah remembers his experiences fondly, saying, “Football? When I was 17, I went to see the Giants play the Providence Steam Roller at Yankee Stadium. They had these hot dogs, the most delicious thing ever, in my opinion. Muriel! Get young Wesley here a hot dog!” Also on the football team was J. Purvis Washington III, who lives in Middletown to this day. He was not able to comment, however, as he was currently comatose in an iron lung. His live-in nurse did say, however, that he would be wheeled to Wesleyan for the reunion.
William Wentworth was a member of the glee club and president of Chi Psi. Since his graduation, he has spent almost all of his time trying to find ways to piss away the riches he inherited as heir to the Wentworth mining fortune. From his 50-room estate in West Virginia, Wentworth siad that Wesleyan was a particularly fun time for him, and that it prepared him for the rest of his life. “I was drunk the whole time, and barely did any work. I spent quite a bit of time driving around looking for girls to bring back to the Lodge. Hell, I didn’t show up for my junior year until November. Oh, and I was a numbers runner, too. I love being rich.”
Orville Connor plans to come all the way from Alabama, but has reservations about what he will find. He does not like the direction the school has taken since his graduation. “I get that color picture-book you send me, and you people have really messed it up. It’s an institution for Negroes and homosexuals now. What kind of respectable school has a bunch of limp-wrists and tar-babies? When I was there, it was a gentleman’s club, with class, and taste, and decorum. I don’t see how you can have any of that with women and coloreds around. Damned if the place isn’t ungodly as all hell.” Connor then soiled himself.