Wesleyan University President Doug Bennet announced his impending retirement from the world of academia Wednesday, leaving a number of the pressing matters of his presidency as yet unresolved. Bennet, who intends to spend his retirement reading, sailing, and undergoing electro-shock speech therapy, did not comment on how his retirement would impact issues of long-term strategy, institutional memory, or partying hard to Andrew W.K. Bennet similarly neglected to address an issue raised during his 2003 address to the incoming class of 2007, namely, whether Superman or the Flash could achieve a higher maximum base land speed.

Superman, who in flight is known to be capable of achieving speeds high enough to reverse the rotation of the earth, is held by many to be the faster of the two. Director of Communications Justin Harmon said in a press release, “To Superman, the earth’s gravity is laughable at best. Beneath a yellow sun, the Man of Steel’s capabilities are theoretically limitless. He simply cannot be bested in any physical contest.”

Midge Bennet, wife of President Bennet and a known Flash supporter, recently made the following comments in the “Rants” section of her Star Trek: Deep Space 9 fan-fiction website: “NE1 who sez Supreman is faster is a tard!!! Flash can run so fast he makes a holes in the dimensional fabric!! He can tap into the Speed force which is what makes every1 so fast and therefore can go faster than superman bcz superman cant tap onto the sSpeed Force.”

Bennet finally settled the question, however, of whether he preferred Sweat or Suit, announcing a “heartfelt” preference for the former.