The Social Committee of the WSA announced Monday that Andrew W.K., scheduled to appear at this year’s Spring Fling party, would not be performing. According to Justine Hardslab ’07 of the SC, W.K.’s agent said that recently-released statistics convinced W.K. that Wesleyan students “do not party enough.” According to the agent, evidence cited by W.K. included the facts that “only 7 percent of Wesleyan undergrads party until they puke, 54 percent disagree that girls own love, and 98 percent have been known to, at times, stop living in the red.”

Hardslab, speaking on behalf of the SC, decried W.K.’s allegations. Hardslab said, “In a recent WSA poll, a full 13% percent of Wesleyan students responded that they ‘often’ or ‘very often’ drink to the point of projectile vomiting or alcohol poisoning. Similarly, W.K. misrepresents the statistics regarding the ownership of love. Yes, 54 percent of students responded that they ‘Strongly Agree’ that girls own love. Another 22 percent, however, responded that they ‘Agree.’ The aggregate statistics simply cannot be ignored. And the idea that a responsible liberal-arts student could continue living in the red even while preparing for final exams or completing thesis work is absolutely unreasonable.”

The SC is currently seeking a compromise with W.K. in which the musician will consent to play at Spring Fling. Ideas suggested by members of the committee include partying harder, living more often in the red, and challenging W.K. to a drinking contest against University president, medievalist, and semi-professional beer-shotgunner Douglas “The Cannon” Bennet. Reached for comment, Bennet replied with a brief, incisive, clearly-enunciated statement.