Kate Brown: Why is Katie the only employed one? I will tell you the secret: pizazz (blowjobs). She is moving to New York because it is slightly more practical than just burning all the money she’s ever made in a small trash can. She will be working on the Oxford English Dictionary of Slang and mostly trying to get on game shows and reality television.

Johann Patlak: What could be worse than moving back in with your parents? Moving back in with your parents and your girlfriend while you remain unemployed and she works full-time. Besides catching up on soap operas and baking, Johann will spend most of his time practicing different ways to say “Hi honey, how was your day?” and “I made your favorite!” in different languages and funny voices.

Stephen Aubrey: A COL major who wrote his thesis in the field of medieval history, Steve will graduate both with honors and the Wesleyan record for fewest marketable skills (1: see right). He will be immediately hired as the new President of the University, bringing back chalking but inexplicably banning caulking.