DAN CERRUTI’S “HOW TO BE A WESPLAYA”

Okay, my liberal arts romantics, it’s that time again. The sun is shining, the air is sweet, and the girls have started wearing skirts that remind you their vaginas are for the taking.

There is a bevy (er, okay, maybe a sampling) of beauty here at Wes, and we only have a few days before we all go on our merry ways. So, you want some hippie ass? You want to booty call at some fine hipster girl? Or maybe you’re looking for a girl with a low top and lower self-esteem? Wherever you choose to stick it, let these simple rules guide you into the pants of some lucky lady.

1) Musica Musica- There’s no ice breaker like appealing to the girl’s musical tastes. Be all into her shit, even if it’s Dispatch and Guster. Yes, they suck, but if you don’t tell her, she may. Suck, that is. Yeah, you get it. Girls love clever guys, too.

2) Present yourself- Young son, lose the fucking clown uniform. Birkenstocks and shirts emblazoned with messages that say “I want to fuck you up the butt” are ill-advised. Get some reasonable pants, a nice shirt and comb your hair. You will not, repeat not, get any ass if your armpits smell like someone threw a bunch of dead babies covered in dog hair on top of a tire fire. Deodorant: not expensive, but worth its weight in gold.

3) Know your prey- If she has a Def Leppard shirt and fancy sneakers on, do not bring up Dave Matthews, but do bring up esoteric films, cocaine, and printmaking. If she has hairy armpits and dreadlocks, do not bring up Dave Matthews, but do bring up the environment, why the Bush regime sucks, and the environment. If she has a popped collar and a ponytail, do not bring up anything but Dave Matthews except why you’re so good at lacrosse.

Best of luck, young sons. If you ever get lost, just think WWDD, or What Would Dan Do? The answer: steal your girl, becuz you’s a punk, bitch.

ANDREW BEAN’S “LAST DITCH HOOKUP TIPS”

Give your object of desire a grilled cheese sandwich

(Nothing says “Let’s screw” like a delicious grilled cheese sandwich. You can seal the deal by also throwing in a refreshing glass of Limeade.)

Be hot

(Hot people, by definition, are hot, and therefore sexually desirable. Although, if you’re hot, you really shouldn’t be having any trouble. Can I have your leftovers?)

Change your sexual orientation

(It’s not like anything else is working for you.)

Wear a kilt made of fish, pitch a tent on Foss Hill, and spend all your time singing Portuguese sea shanties

(If someone were to actually do this, they’d be a damn fool. Or a genius. Quite possibly both, actually.)

Give up; spend the remainder of your days and nights getting high

(I like this one the best.)