Dan Cerruti ’09
Yo, ladies. This is Dan, sometimes called “The Man.” I hear some of you are losing some of your boyfriends lately, and I feel you. I know what heartbreak is. I’ll be there to comfort you, and the first step to comforting is losing them pants. Yo, just clownin,’ girl. But fuckin’ seriously, you know I gotta holla at you, and you know, you should holla back at ya boy when you gots that lovin’ feelin,’ you know? I’m a 6′ 2“ brown hair brown-eyed dynamo waiting for you. If you got them titties and you want your world refreshingly rocked, call me sometime. I also enjoy movies, taking walks, and eating ice cream on the beach at sunset. Mad props if you’ll make me a sandwich.
Andrew Bean ’09
SBM, 18, looking for any damn woman that will have me. Look, I’m going to level with you, ladies. I want someone to love me. Please, please, please, please love me. Don’t make me have to resort to stalking again.
Steve Aubrey ’06
Nihilist ISO nothing.
A lot of it.
Quiddity need not respond.
Please send picture.
Ted Feldman ’09
Awesome dude seeks awesome chick. Must be blonde. Must cry easily. Must have slight resemblance to Paul Newman, specifically the Paul Newman with the mustache on the salsa container— not the Paul Newman on the popcorn box— except without the mustache. Must be able to endure hours of sex without any flesh tearing or anything like that. Must know all the lyrics to Limp Bizkit’s ”Significant Other.“ Must not make fun of me for knowing all the lyrics to Limp Bizkit’s ”Three Dollar Bill Y’all.“ Must be comfortable with calling me Hank.
Johann Patlak ’06
22 YO M Senior ISO Govt. Major to write 10-15 pages on subject TBA. Must enjoy working long nights, spell checking, and the Olin Documents section. Will trade dinner and/or movie for plausible final paper. Cute a bonus, discretion a must! E-mail jpatlak at wes.
Brendan Larkin ’09
Single, lanky, emaciated male looking for companionship. Seriously, I have like 150 points left. I’ll pay you to hang out with me. We can do whatever. I’d be willing to watch a movie, do your calc homework, hide in your closet and secretly videotape you and your significant other bumping uglies, etc. You name it and I’ll be there! Just please don’t let me die alone.
Alex Gelman ’08
20, SWM seeking SF, brunette, 5’5”, buxom, age 20-25, sense of humor and great communicative skills for lasting relationship. Ongoing emotional connection not necessary; passionate fling will do. Just a fling is fine. Preferable even. Sense of humor and great communicative skills not a prerequisite either. Preferable that respondant neither speaks nor understands English. You know, brunette isn’t a big deal, nor is hair in general. Hairless will do. 5’5“ is more of a loose suggestion; height doesn’t really matter, nor does the physical presence of arms or legs. And ”20-25“ doesn’t have to mean years; that can be interpreted as minutes, days, or decades. As far as the whole ”female“ thing goes, that just implies ”fee male,“ as in I’m willing to pay for a man.
Kate Brown ’06
Reasons you should date me: 1) You are a straight male with a humor writer fetish, and this place is a fucking sausage fest. 2) Did you know dogs get periods? I did.
Nat Webb ’06
12th-level paladin ISO LG cleric for healing, occasional resurrection. Elven language proficiency a plus. No WIS or CHA below 18. No half-orcs. No fatties.
Dana Matthiessen ’09
Fisting. Fisting, fisting, fisting. All day all night. Have you ever been fisted with a boxing glove? Chain mail? One of those giant #1 hands? No? THEN YOU HAVEN’T LIVED, SISTER(S).
Seriously, handballing is the new handjobbing, and if you can’t muster the passion to plug my piping with gusto, then you can just move the fuck on, you filthy, rotten, perverted, good-for-nothing, SLUT(S).
Okay, listen, I know a lot of people out there are timid. That’s entirely natural. Sometimes intimacy of the depth for which I yearn can be intimidating, even a bit spooky, but that’s no excuse to not let me stick an eight-inch Brazilian cucumber into your colon. I mean, c’mon, what sort of childish sanctity are you trying to preserve, bab(y/ies)? This is the twenty-first century! Haven’t you heard of the sexual revolution or were you too busy kneeling at the altar, Jesus?
Sorry. That was a bit harsh. It’s just this overpowering, COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL virility that I’m imbued with. I’m not ashamed of my lust, and who the hell are you to taunt me about it? I’ve seen you laugh when I turn my back, Cindy Peffers, you god damn ass-prude! How dare you accuse me of making out with Chad Guffman in the shower? How many times must I explain that he accidentally swallowed his nose ring and needed some bold, masculine, COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL assistance? Bitch.
As I was saying, fisting. It’s good for you. It enriches your intestinal lining with mystical fisting nutrients. If you don’t believe me, talk to your doctor, stupid(s). What’s that? You don’t believe me? You don’t want to join Team Fists-a-lot? Well you’re a fucking ass-prude, Cindy Peffers! You can just go home and tell all your friends some ABSOLUTE LIE about me asking Chad Guffman to fist me in the shower. We could have been so happy together, Cindy. I’d have made you feel like a queen. But you had to throw it all away for what? Anal virginity? What does that even mean? That you don’t like getting fisted? Is this the middle ages or something? Are you some sort of Little Miss Blocks-a-cock? DEAR GOD LET ME FIST YOU CINDY PEFFERS.