Scandal rocked Wesleyan Saturday when word got out from this guy at a party that Alexis Hardslab ’06 had ended her nearly three-year relationship with Earth and Environmental Studies professor Manfred McCrackity. Hardslab, according to the anonymous and totes wasted source, is now totally hitting it with a lobster ’09, one of the first students admitted as part of Wesleyan’s new Seabeast Scholars program.

According to what the Ampersand can remember from thefacebook.com, Hardslab and McCrackity began a torrential love affair following Hardslab’s sophomore year enrollment in McCrackity’s E&ES course “The Ocean Floor.” The Ampersand definitely found pictures of them from their 2005 trip to the Mariana Trench and their gin-soaked long weekend in Montreal.

A conversation overheard before this reporter’s history seminar started claimed that Hardslab felt McCrackity “couldn’t fulfill her needs as a modern woman entering the workforce.” Evidence from the Anonymous Confession Board (ACB) attributes these remarks to 83-year-old McCrackity’s advanced state of cellular, mental, and wangular decay.

Postings on the ACB implied that the lobster felt no remorse for breaking up the beloved campus couple. One post read in part, “I am t3h lobster king, b1+ch3z! I have mastered t3h 13375p34k!!1! I nailed you’re GF!! PWNED U NUBCAEX!”

When approached for comment, the lobster refused to speak, and threatened this reporter physically, his clashing claws promising a harsh, harsh pinching if this reporter so much as mentioned bestiality being an abomination in the eyes of God.