In rather Xciting, Xtreme, Xoticizing-the-mutant-other news, the entire 2006 graduating class of Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters in Salem Center, New York will be attending Wesleyan in the fall and will make up the entirety of Wesleyan’s class of 2010, otherwise known as the “Class of X.” Inhabiting the Class of X will be a variety of racially and nationally diverse students, including German-born Catholic Nightcrawler, Kenyan-born Storm, any-race-she-wants hottie Mystique, and lovable 80s actor Steve Guttenberg. When asked about his supposed mutant abilities, Guttenberg replied, “of course I have special powers. I can morph from a popular Hollywood movie star to an unrecognizable schmo giving nickel handjobs on a street corner in six months flat!” Burn!

Members of the Class of X, to be referred to as “X-Zi’s,” are brimming with excitement about their impending collegiate odyssey at Wesleyan. “Finally, I’ll be able to come out,” said one anonymous X-Zi, who threatened to stab his ademantium claws through this reporter’s torso in berzerker-like fashion if I were to reveal his name.

However, with all the excitement over the imminent arrival of the Class of X to our Middletown campus, some are skeptical about the inevitable residential confusion that will arise. “I don’t want some crazy mutant shooting lasers out his eyes at me because he thinks I’m in his bed,” remarked Dwight Simmons ’08, a resident of Malcolm X House. Regardless, in the true spirit of diversity, the X-Zi’s are embracing their like-monikered peers. “In my most recent visit to your sprawling verdant campus, I happened by a wonderful domicile whose nomenclatural designation appeared to be something of a beacon for my, well, kind,” recounted debate team/wrestling recruit Beast ‘X. “However, upon my entrance into said residence on a Saturday’s eve, I found myself dropping something as if it were exceedingly warm in temperature, moving backwards with my rump faced outwards, and shaking it as if it were some sort of a Polaroid photograph. Regardless, I dropped my buh-donk-a-donk lower than the mothafuckin Dead Sea, ya heard. I mean… Universitatis Weslianis should be an exceptional period of intellectual and spiritual edification… bitches.”