By this point, you’ve already seen enough of Wesleyan to know that it’s the fucking best. I don’t know why they let you in, honestly, but you made it, kid. Since Wesleyan is the best school you got into (sorry to hear about Brown), you should already be planning for your academic career here. The hardest part of college is choosing a major. It’s harder, for example, than any of the work you’ll actually do in that major, including your thesis. So here’s a rundown of the departments at Wesleyan.

• African American Studies: Distinct from the American Studies program, AFAM has its own building, with its own bathrooms and water fountains.

• American Studies: Ever wonder what would happen if the Incredible Hulk fought a dinosaur? Major in AMST!

• Anthropology: You can study monkeys, or cro-magnons, or mall goths.

• Archaeology: Just as cool and exciting as in the movies. Movies include Retrograde Physical Data Analysis Techniques (Parts 1-3), Retrograde Physical Data Analysis Techniques (Parts 4-6), and Cleaning Shit Off with a Toothbrush (Part 1).

• Art Studio: Glue some cheese to a piece of scrap metal and you’ll get an A. Glue some scrap metal to a piece of cheese and you’ll fail.

• Biology: Learn to say things like “engorged” instead of “hard-on.”

• Chemistry: Offers excellent intra-major dating opportunities, because of pickup lines like “Hey, baby, I really felt like we had some chemistry last semester.”

• Classical Civilization: Let some dead British guy do the translating for you! Warning: Caesar is no more exciting in English.

• College of Social Studies: NO.

• Computer Science: Just kidding! Wesleyan doesn’t offer computer science.

• Dance: Like Art Studio, but with exploring space instead of gluing cheese.

• East Asian Studies: Learn why Memoirs of a Geisha shouldn’t have been nominated for any Oscars!

•Earth and Environmental Sciences: You will either work with incredibly cool things like volcanoes, or really boring things like… everything else in the major. Do you feel lucky, punk?

• Economics: ECON prof Gil Skillman is a crazy rippin’ guitar player, but other than that, BORING. Also hard.

• English: Whatever. English is the same at every school.

• Feminist, Gender, & Sexuality Studies: Abbreviated FGSS. Say it like a word. Use “hir” in a paper.

• Film Studies: Every graduating FILM major is guaranteed a job cleaning between George Clooney’s toes with hir tongue.

• German Studies: Learn about the subtle beauties of German culture, such as sickening fairy tales, depressing art songs, hurtful furniture design, and Nazis.

• Government: Majoring in GOVT actually makes you less likely to serve in public office than any other Wesleyan program.

• History: Mostly concerned with why the study of history is oppressive and patriarchal.

• Mathematics: The only interesting thing you’ll learn is that Evariste Galois was killed in a duel defending a woman’s honor. Now that you know, don’t bother with the major.

• Molecular Biology and Biochemistry: There’s nothing funny about MB&B. (It has an Ampersand in it! How could it not be funny? – Ed.)

• Medieval Studies: Read stuff like, “He was shorn of his kinsmen, felled of his friends on the battlefield, smitten in combat, and he left his son ground down with wounds in the pool of slaughter, young at battle.” For nerds.

• Music: Pretty much you just get groupies and recording contracts. Best major ever.

• Neuroscience and Behavior: What, is Psychology not enough for your compulsive self-obsession?

• Philosophy: Spend years trying to understand the ideas of dead guys who thought maggots were created by meat.

• Physical Education: Not actually a major. Unless you meant to apply to Sports Wesleyan.

• Psychology: Spend all your time trying to analyze why girls won’t call you back.

• Romance Studies: Master the art of romancing a fine lady, allowing you to steal all the PSYC majors’ women.

• Russian: So cold. So very, very cold. Will this winter never end? Also, vodka.

• Science in Society: I don’t know what this is.

• Sociology: Look, Katie got honors from the Sociology Department for writing an essay with the words “Hot Topic” and “Urban Outfitters” in the title. Also, the professors are the cutest.

• Theater: You know how fun theater is in high school? Don’t ruin those memories.