Hey, you! Yeah, you—the one with the hair! Yeah… what do think you’re doing reading this?! You think you go to Wesleyan already or something? You think you’re big news, hmm? You think you can come here for a day, and all of a sudden you’re allowed to read our newspaper?! You think you’re kind of a big deal, don’t you? Please…you think you can run up in here like – like a fuckin – like a fuckin cheetah or something, real fast like?!!

Yeah, your kind isn’t welcome here. We don’t tolerate child molestation on this campus. Just ’cause you got in academically doesn’t mean you’re gonna get in sociademically. Got it, Julian Casablancas?! You think you’re so cool, what with your pants and your demeanor, readin’ a college newspaper…you wanna fight? You wanna throw up some fists, Paul Reiser?! Ya know, some call this Diversity University, but I call it Knowledge College. How about that, PreFrosh?!…if that is your real name…

Love,
Ted Feldman ’09

Hey, Class of 2010. Don’t think we don’t know you. We’ve already looked you up on High School Facebook and MySpace, and we are unimpressed. I know many of you here at WesFest are still deciding between schools, and, quite frankly, I hope almost all of you go somewhere else.

Message to Chris St. Paul: Popping your collar perpetually may play on the Cape, but you’re in the big leagues now. Assholes get put in their place. And I’d like Matt Goldstein to know that his band sucks. Please leave rap-metal fusion to the professionals. Just because you have a bikini on in your picture does not make you hot. That means you, Jessica Wohlers. Oh, and just because you are a trained glassblower and can make bongs doesn’t make you better than me, Jason Byron. Wait, yes it does. Look forward to meeting you, Jason.

To those of you who do decide to come to Wes: let’s step it up.

XOXO,
Andrew Bean ’09