The case has been solved. The people need not fear anymore. The villain has been caught. The plagues have been stopped. We are free.

Such jubilation is appropriate for the times we are in, because rarely is justice so duly served. After last issue’s discussion of the plagues, ranging from pooping to bats to pooping bats, the Ampersand sent its crack team of investigative journalists to find the link behind the coincidence. After an arduous journey of discovery, intrigue, cover-ups, and blowing all our savings on nose candy and twelve strippers also named Candy, we found out the secret no one wanted you to know about.

That secret is known simply as William Dupont ’06. Mr. Dupont is a decent enough human being upon first glance. He’s a typical-looking Wesleyan student, with shaggy black hair, charming stubble, a gentle slouch, and cool pants; but underneath those cool pants lies a long, dark, throbbing secret. You see, Mr. Dupont is also a Psychology major, and he decided to write a thesis. His thesis idea was “The Effects of Environmental Duress on a Homogenous Community.” In layman’s terms, his idea was screwing with people at college.

His renegade idea has been developing for months. It started as simple withholding, with him being responsible for all the impromptu burnings of films at the film series. But then it got bigger. He started actively introducing evils into our environment. Similar to the C.I.A.’s introduction of crack and rims that spin into the “hood,” Dupont started spreading a lack of sex throughout the campus by causing Eclectic parties to be shut down. Who do you think pulled the fire alarms? That’s right, Cockface Dupont.

His introduction of gastroenteritis and bats put him over the edge, though, and he has been exposed! We at the Ampersand found a bat in WestCo 2 that had trace amounts of Psychology major on it (you can tell by the smell), so we took it to the crime lab, or Timothy’s old meth lab, and ran the tests. Wouldn’t you know whose name popped up?

There you have it, Wesleyan students. To celebrate the capture of this most fiendish fiend, there will be the first WSA tar-and-feathering on Friday at 4 PM. Be there or be a victim.