As a campus-wide e-mail informed us last week, students across campus are suffering from a serious case of the Technicolor Yawn and the Hershey Squirts. It is most likely viral in nature, and the route of transmission of these infections is typically fecal-oral.
In a fit of internet research driven by my intense hypochondria, I’ve discovered that in epidemics such as this, researchers commonly look for someone known as “patient zero.” The patient zero is the initial patient in the population sample of an epidemiological investigation. In laymen’s terms, this means some jerk caught Gastroenteritis over spring break and then made people eat their poop. To date, patient 0 of the Wesleyan University Gastroenteritis Epidemic, or Shit-in-Mouth Fest ’06, is unknown.
Finding the investigative journalism of the Wesleyan Argus wanting, and being the only writer for the Ampersand without a funny joke about bats, I decided the only responsible thing to do is find the motherfucker. But, as humor writer who has run his only funny joke about writing like a retarded grade-schooler into the ground, I feel that I lack the qualifications to even begin such an investigation. So I’ve asked the help of several experts to help me find the culprit.
Lydia Hiby, Pet Pyschic
“I have been told by the ghost of Doug Bennet’s old hamster Guthlac that the one you seek is none other than the guy who talks really loud in the computer lab all the time and can’t shut up.
My Housemate, Just Got Back from Senior Cocktails and Didn’t Make Out with Anyone
”I can tell you who it wasn’t: me. That’s for sure. I haven’t had any fecal-oral action in months. I’m practically a nun. What does a girl have to do to get someone to pay attention to them? Do you think I’m pretty Steve? Do you?“
David Irving, British Historian
”The Gastroenteritis epidemic didn’t happen. This was, at best, a minor cold that just went around and that the Jews have blown out of proportion in an effort to gain sympathy for the Zionist cause.“
Public Safety, Wesleyan University
”The suspects are described as African American males, wearing dark puffy coats and jeans.“
Allie, just kicked her best friend out of her housing group
”Listen, I don’t know what you’re talking about, it wasn’t my fault. Things get really confusing sometimes and its realty hard to make everyone happy and listen, sometimes people get screwed. But I’m a good person. I know I am.“
Oliver Stone, Made that movie about Alexander the Great with Colin Farrell that one time
”Gastroenteritis was a virus secretly engineered by the MB&B Dept. and released in spore form into the air over Foss Hill during that first really nice spring day we had. This operation was supervised by a secret Shadow Board of Trustees headed by the cryogenically frozen head of John Wesley. Their intention was to divert public attention away from the costly construction project and the revelation of the secret war Dean Patton is waging in Panama until the books could be cooked and Patton’s war record covered up. In response to the fact that this sounds silly, I remind you that any evidence which opposes (or tends to oppose) a conspiracy theory was in fact fabricated by the conspirators, and shows just how large the conspiracy really is.
Rachel, Jenn’s (ex) best friend
“Probably Allie, I hear she’s a total slut and let every guy in Beta lick her ass last week at a party. Also, her hair looks like a wig. I’m just saying.”