The summer movie season is just around the corner, and Hollywood power players are jockeying for the rapt attentions and open wallets of that most coveted age group: the 18-24 crowd. With this in mind, I turn my print space this week over to Hollywood development executive extraordinaire, Max Profite, who will bring the Wesleyan student body up to date on his latest batch of sure-fire successes coming soon to a theater near you.
Hello, hello, hello, you gorgeous little spending machines! My name is Max Profite, and I am here to get all you crazy kids super-psyched for the new wave of awesome flicks heading your way. (You kids still say awesome, right? Awesome!)
I’d love to keep this introduction going, but I got a Scientology BBQ at Tom and Katie’s to attend, so I’ll cut right to the chase. I heard through the grapevine about a certain advanced screening recently shown at Wesleyan of a certain “political satire” by a certain godless commie who USED to make quality family fare like “American Pie.” Now, I have my own personal interpretation of which American president Paul Weitz is supposedly satirizing in his “American Dreamz” (totally agree Paulie; that Jimmy Carter is an idiot!). But that is neither here nor there. No, what shocks me is the gall this so-called filmmaker summons up in his brutal and entirely inappropriate mockery of that great national institution: “American Idol.” Does he not know we are at war? Sickening.
No, my friends, that is not the kind of entertainment you should be doling out the money you spent time and effort begging off your parents. Not if I have anything to say about it. Without further adieu (Leo taught me that word over mimosas the other day), I present my current development slate, sure to entice and beguile you all.
• “Brokeback Kennel”- If it worked for queer cowboys, why not lesbian dog walkers? The two meet cute when the French poodle belonging to Jane, the bubbly and confused grad student fresh out of NYU, gets tangled up in the leash of a Labrador retriever belonging to butch and spunky (but still marketable) Zoe. Awkward first kisses; suspicious boyfriends; social restrictions…and you should see the mud wrestling scene! Natalie Portman would kick it as Zoe (she still has the short hair, right?), Tara Reid would really “get” Jane, and feisty Sharon Stone shows up as the tough but tender kennel owner secretly dying of chronic flea bites (I smell Oscar nod!). I’d be totally open to Ang Lee directing, but Ang, baby! Pick up the pace this time! A little less longing and a little more lingerie, ya got me?
• “Dead Wrong: The Terri Schiavo Story”- It’s been a year; time to get cracking on this before Lifetime snaps up the rights. A helpless young damsel in distress, bludgeoned into unconsciousness by her Satan-worshipping cokehead husband, is saved through the heroic efforts of her family and the Senate Majority Leader (that is how it happened…I think…). Let’s end it with an epic showdown in the Florida everglades between the psychotic, frothing-at-the-mouth, possibly polygamist husband and the distinguished yet ruggedly handsome Speaker (I smell a comeback, Tom Selleck!). Oh, and that ending has to go. She dies? People, this isn’t “Schindler’s List,” for chrissakes! And who will play poor Terri? Come on, who can do a expressionless quasi-corpse better than Paris “House of Wax” Hilton?
• “March of the Caribou”- If it worked for penguins, why not those adorable…hairy…things? Of course, we’re ditching the documentary angle (Brangelina’s Africa rants keep me awake longer). And all the caribou are going to be computer generated and voiced by a sassy, all-star cast! Topher Grace plays the runt of the caribou litter (is it called a litter? Eh, no one will really care). Martin Lawrence lights it up as the trash-talking sidekick. We’re trying to get Meryl Streep to voice the caribou leader, but if she falls through, we’ll just call up Queen Latifah. As soon as we get the PG rating, we’re golden. Guess that’ll mean cutting out the caribou make-out scene….just kidding! (I think.)
• “R for Racism”- Soon as “Crash” won Best Picture (by the way, I totally identify with the Sandra Bullock character; my Hispanic maid always peels me off the floor after one too many tequila shots), we fast-tracked this bad boy. Orlando Bloom kicks some politically-correct keister as a mystery freedom fighter combating the forces of Caucasian intolerance. But don’t worry ladies; there’s no mask covering that face! Morgan Freeman provides great support as a strong-willed (but totally non-threatening to mainstream white audiences) underground resistance leader. Keep your eyes peeled for a special digital cameo by Martin Luther King Jr., courtesy of Mr. George Lucas. Edgy!
Well, I don’t know about you, but it’s way past my Kabbalah meditation time. Keep an eye out for these and other great flicks coming soon, courtesy of everyone’s favorite development executive. What can I say? You guys are my favorite demographic, and I mean that. Let’s all do lunch really soon; don’t worry, I’ll call you.