The entire Wesleyan administration, including President Douglas J. Bennet and Dean of the College Maria Cruz-Saco, stepped down yesterday, fueling rumors of conspiracies and cover-ups.
“We aren’t hiding anything,” said former Director of Communications Justin Harmon. “This kind of thing just happens every once in a while. In fact, I’m leaving to pursue a career in dance.”
Within the last year, Vice President of Finance and Administration Marcia Bromberg, Director of Public Safety Maryann Wiggin, Vice President for Academic Affairs and Provost Judith Brown, and Director of Auxiliary Operations and Campus Services Manny Cunard have stepped down from their positions at the University. Now every single non-interim person in the administration has followed suit, leaving Wesleyan to be run by people filling in on an interim basis.
“Wesleyan is going to be fine,” said Interim Dean of the College Kobe Bryant. “Nothing happened. It’s just a really big coincidence that everyone stepped down at the same time. I would go as far as to say that when it comes to overall quality of education, Wesleyan still rapes the competition.”
Meanwhile, alleged rumors involving sex, drugs, theft, disease, penis enlargement pumps, and murder are circulating campus.
“Seriously, everything is fine,” said Interim President of the College O.J. Simpson, holding a bloody knife. “No one killed anyone. There is nothing to worry about. In fact, I’m going to take over Public Safety here myself.”
Dean of Student Service Mike Whaley, one of the last administrators to announce his immediate departure from the University, plans to open a theme park in Middle America.
“I’m leaving to fulfill a lifelong dream, and that’s probably true for most people who are stepping down,” Whaley said. “This type of thing happens all the time. It has nothing to do with the fact that there are several epidemics on campus and I want to get the hell out of here.”
There are several severe stomach viruses going around campus, as well as AIDS and Lou Gehrig’s Disease.
“I’m leaving because I got a job in Japan as a motivational speaker,” Bennet said. “And Midge will be doing some modeling over there.”
Some members of the administration were more blunt about their reasons for leaving.
“I’m leaving because several large Italian men came into my office and threatened to forcibly remove me if I didn’t comply,” said Dean of Admission and Financial Aid Nancy Meislahn. “So clearly there’s nothing suspicious going on.”
Dean of the Class of 2007 Lisa Gates had a different story to tell.
“I’m leaving because several Jewish midgets came into my office and threatened to forcibly remove me if I didn’t comply,” Gates said. “They kept saying that I knew too much, but I really had no idea what they were talking about.”
Another theory circulating about the reasons for everyone stepping down is the existence of a super mutant breed of rabid bats.
“Waaaateeeer!” said Interim Director of Communications Helen Keller commenting on the bats. “Waaaateeeer!”