Match these Ampersand staff with the descriptions below!

A. Katie Brown B. Johann Patlak C. Nat Webb D. Steve Aubrey E. Brendan Larkin F. Andrew Bean G. Ted Feldman H. Jess Lane I. Claire Greenwood J. Alex Gelman

1. Being upset that Brokeback Mountain lost Best Picture to a movie that preached a message of tolerance, compassion, and understanding of all people amid a time of extreme racial violence and discrimination. Because that’s just homophobic.

2. Last spring break, my girlfriend and I had a mission to fornicate in as many different places as possible. We went to the Bahamas with our friends and just went crazy— it was a drunken stupor I’ll never remember. This year, I’m without a girlfriend, but I’m a little older, a little more mature, a little more tired. This year I’m going to sleep in as many random spots as I can. So far, my ideas are your mother’s vagina, your sister’s esophagus, my right hand, my left hand, your father’s breasts, a roll of tape, a garden hose, your dog’s rolled-up tail, hopefully your father’s breasts again, Middle America, an airplane bathroom, and the streets of New York. What do you think?

3. If I learned anything from the Oscars, it’s that George Clooney is a dreamboat. But if I learned two things, the other is that Three 6 Mafia was totally right: it is hard out here for a pimp. So just imagine how hard it is to be a pimp through a proxy. I left my prostitution empire in the hands of my Nana back home in New York. This break I plan to reinsert myself as a force to be feared in the upstate New York red-light district, smack a few hoes, and of course, collect some long overdue payment. This money will immediately go to Jess Lane’s second semester abortion fund, because I’m man enough to live up to my mistakes. I’ve also really been meaning to avenge my father’s murder. Maybe this break I’ll finally get around to it, if there’s time.

4. Late-night bathroom sex.

5. I’m planning on spending spring break working towards my certification as a moyl. There’s a long-weekend course at my local temple, and it even comes with a free little knife. I figure if I learn all about Jewish boys’ junk, they’ll be more attracted to me. L’chaim!

6. Over spring break, it’ll be back to work for me. I have a full-time job at Yoshimoto’s Hot Times!! Adult Arcade Fun Place as a Dance Dance Revolution stripper. It’s a pretty good deal; Mr. Yoshimoto gives me free games and I make decent tips. But it’s not all glory. If you let your health meter drop into the danger zone, you can say goodbye to all the groupies, the fame, the five-spots stuck in your crack.

7. It blasts you out of your seat! The shocking story behind the most ravaged city on Earth! The city is wiped out before your startled eyes! The vicious shocking aftermath! Filmed where it happened… with a cast of 100,000! Plus the story of a prostitute… her sex was a weapon of revenge against man and God! (Ad from the Argus, 1956)

8. I’m going to work for positive social change by applying my money towards reducing the class, race, and gender barriers that give me privilege and power. In doing this, I will realize that material wealth gives me more pleasure than positive social change. Feel free to bitch and moan. I’ll be coming back to school in my sweet new Ferrari. Applications for car waxer can be sent to my e-mail address.

9. Having the following conversation with my mom:
Me: Mom?
Mom: I’m in the bathroom, honey. Can’t it wait ’til I’m done?
Me: Not really.
Mom: Well what is it?
Me: An older boy at college told me I could only spread the infection if the sores were open and weeping, but according to Wikipedia, that’s not true.
Mom: I’ve told you a hundred times, the sores are a sign of how much mommy loves you.

10. 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall!

98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall!

97 bottles of beer on the wall, 97 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, 96 bottles of beer on the wall!

96 bottles of beer on the wall, 96 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, 95 bottles of beer on the wall!

95 bottles of beer on the wall, 95 bottles of beer…