With the calamitous uproar over Danish cartoons blasphemously depicting Mohammad, a scathing condemnation by a certain Wesleyan student, and the cancellation of Joey, it seemed that the tumultuous storm clouds brewing over the Muslim world couldn’t get much darker. Unfortunately, ghastly news out of Los Angeles late Sunday night veritably broke the camel’s back, much like a hunky cowboy could do with his undulating man-cock: Brokeback Mountain had lost the Academy Award for Best Picture to Crash.
Outrage spread through the Muslim world like a rampant herpes outbreak through WestCo, touching off fiery and destructive riots in Damascus, Palestine, and Riyadh. “Death to the infidels who have committed this blasphemy against Allah!” shouted Lebanese Imam Rahim al-Safaar to a teeming crowd of enraged supporters. “How dare they challenge the unrivaled supremacy of Jack and Ennis’s torturous and passionate love! And that Ryan Phillipe, what a bi-yatch! Maybe you can put Reese’s Oscar between your legs and pretend you’ve got a johnson! Seriously, did you guys see Cruel Intentions? He is so gay! But in that creepy ambiguous manipulative way, not in the repressed-cowboy way. Die, blasphemous scum!
Ripples of Crash’s unfathomable victory were felt throughout the Muslim world. Ludacris has indefinitely postponed his ”From Mecca to Medina, Suckin’ on My Weina“ tour, and the nation of Turkey has removed an image of that crazy hot threesome scene from Wild Things from the corner of its flag.
Reactions from Wesleyan students have been as mixed as Lenny Kravitz, with some empathizing with Muslims’ outrage over this improbable upset. ”Frankly, I totally understand their anger,“ remarked Linda Benson ’06. ”It says in the Koran that you should not oppress others, yet also not to let yourself be oppressed. It also says that movies with hot cowboy-on-cowboy action are totes better than movies starring the dude from Encino Man.“ However, other students have reacted with unbridled indignation, such as Schlevan Flounder ’07. ”Obviously, many many MANY Muslims are barbarous, sadistic, feces-hurling animals that get irrationally upset and blow innocent Jesus-loving Aryans to pieces… when movies about gay cowboys lose Best Picture.“