Film critics are abuzz over the recent leak about Robert Altman’s upcoming A Prarie Home Companion, one of the most secretive, closed-set projects in recent memory. The news that star Garrison Keillor and supporting actress and Hollywood jet-setter Lindsay Lohan would be sharing an explicit sex scene shocked and titillated many of the industry’s leading pundits. But with a combination of hard-hitting investigation and virtuoso skin-flutery, the Ampersand has gotten our hands on a few pages of the script, which reveal Keillor’s dirty talk as he takes Lohan from behind for the first time:

LOHAN: Oh, baby.

KEILLOR: Yes, folks, it was just another short, hot summer night on Lake Wobegon, the sort of night with so much humidity you could catch fish right out of the air. The boys of the town had spent the day catching crawdads on the lake shore, and the girls had spent the day trying to catch the boys. There were even some rumors floating about that old Miss McGillicutty, the battleaxe who ruled over the fourth grade, had been seen tanning herself in a bathing suit. But rumors had a way of getting out of hand on those long days and short nights by Lake Wobegon.

LOHAN: Yeah, baby, just like that.

KEILLOR: At the end of the day I found myself alone in the rumpus room of my old clapboard house with Betsy Stevens, the neighbors’ daughter. We had spent the evening eating apples and listening to old Beatles LPs. When she slipped her hand down my Dockers, I thought to myself, Self, this is just that sort of love that old Miss McGillicutty just wouldn’t approve of.

LOHAN: Oh, God, that’s so good.

KEILLOR: But Miss McGillicutty wasn’t there in the rumpus room of my old clapboard house, and as Betsy’s apple-red lips closed around my John Thompson, I realized pretty powerful that I didn’t need the vision of the old lady’s saggy neck-skin in my head when I finally consummated so many long nights’ worth of masturbatory fantasies as I nailed young Betsy like I nailed the ten-cent sign to my lemonade stand when I first went into business for myself on the beaches of Lake Wobegon, so many years ago, on a long summer day not unlike this very one.

LOHAN: You’re the best. You’re the best.

KEILLOR: Why, look, folks, it’s my dear old friend Lefty the Singing Cowboy! How you doin’, Lefty?

LEFTY: Well, I could tell ya, or I could sing it to ya.

LOHAN: Fuck me hard.