Guess what? Because you will never guess what.

I am going to the Oscars.

You may not think it is true, but it is. Because I got a card in the mail today and it said I could go to the Oscars if I wanted. Because I am a film critic. Film critics go the Oscars. It’s true. You can ask anybody.

My mommy says I have to get a tuxedo but I don’t want to. I am going to wear my Buzz Lightyear pajamas. The ones with the feet! Because Buzz Lightyear is a movie star. I hope I get to sit next to Nemo! This one time, I was watching Nemo and I was eating raisins and then there was that part with the turtles and I laughed and a raisin came out my nose!

I can’t wait to go down the red carpet. I have never gone down a red carpet before. They have a blue carpet at school and a green carpet and a carpet with roads on it for toy trucks but they do not have a red carpet. They said I could bring a date to the Oscars. My mommy wants me to bring her but she is a girl and that would be gross. Janie who lives down the street also wants to come but she is also a girl and smells like a toilet brush too. I want to bring Abu from Aladdin because he is a funny monkey but I do not know his phone number. I called every Abu in the phone book but none of them were monkeys. One of them was mean.

Sometimes people cry at the Oscars but I will not cry. I have only cried twice since school started because I am a big boy now. The first time was because I got my head stuck in the jungle gym and could not get it out. The second time was because Mommy and Daddy were fighting again and Mommy threw her cigarette at Daddy. It was the worst day in Home Depot ever.

My brother’s friend Santo said I should fingerbang Lindsay Lohan at the Oscars, but my Mommy told me never to play with guns.

I hope the Oscars have hot dogs.

THE END!