Inspired by the unequivocally powerful film Brokeback Mountain, the most stirring and passionate love story of our time that has ignited the hearts and loins of moviegoers nationwide, millions of strapping straight lads throughout America have taken a cue this Valentine’s Day from Ang Lee’s masterpiece. To prove just how doting, emotional, and tender they are towards their wives, these previously confounded men have turned to the greatest love of all: gay cowboy love.
“Jewelry? Flowers? Poetry? Come on, I’m a fuckin’ dude, there’s no way I could buy that pussy-ass shit,” bluntly asserted Hank Plymouth, a construction worker from Flint, Michigan who has been married to his wife Betty for six years. “But gettin’ banged in the ass by a gay cowboy, that’s some real manly shit right there, and my wife loves it,” explained Mr. Plymouth.
“Just look at him! So sensual, so amorous, so, so… real,” gasped wife Betty, who watched her husband’s passionate tryst with rancher Rick Armstrong. “There were tears rolling down each of our eyes, we were both so moved,” added Mrs. Plymouth. “Then again, he was getting his poop packed in, so that’s probably why he was crying. But beneath all the pain of brutal anal sex, I’m sure he was somewhat moved.” When asked for comment, Mr. Armstrong tersely replied “I ain’t no queer,” then punched Mr. Plymouth in the face.
While being received with dismay and trepidation by traditional, homophobic Valentine’s Day gift suppliers, formerly fickle men and husbands around the country are embracing this Hollywood-inspired display of unadulterated love. Commonly referred to as C.H.O.C.O.L.A.T.E.S. (Cowboys Having Orgasmic Coitus on Layman Americans’ Tight Eligible Sphincters), this overwhelmingly romantic gift involves the savage intercourse of two men in cowboy-esque attire while the wife/girlfriend of one of the participants looks on, enraptured with her significant other’s display of efficacious, rugged, manly butt-love. Says leading C.H.O.C.O.L.A.T.E.S. retailer, Home Depot employee, and all-around American man Billy Thorner, “Oftentimes, the two men will endearingly hold one another, even after the wife has told them that she gets the point about how it’s a beautiful love story about the savagery and torture of suppressed love in an oppressive age, and they can stop staring longingly into each other’s eyes… even when one handsome hunk has those deep, delicious baby blue eyes, as deep as the ocean, and all you want to do is swim in that ocean for all of eternity, and you just wish it could be like this, just like this… always. Um, yeah… buying C.H.O.C.O.L.A.T.E.S. gets you so much tits and pussy!”
Jim Abernathy, an auto mechanic from Birmingham, Alabama, echoed similar sentiments regarding his past inability to eloquently articulate his feelings of affection to his wife of twelve years, Linda Sue. “I’m a man, ya know. I’m not used to buying diamonds or nothing. I work out. So when I told my wife I was buying C.H.O.C.O.L.A.T.E.S., she was so darned happy!” exclaimed Mr. Abernathy. “So I took her into our bedroom, blindfolded her, lit some candles, and when I took her bandana off, I was getting my crops ploughed from behind by this gay cowboy! Oh man, she couldn’t wipe the look off her face for days! Well, that was mainly because she went into cardiac arrest and became a catatonic. Ain’t love powerful!”