“All Night” ’08
What’s your secret sex fantasy?
So I’m training one of the new female DJ interns and she accompanies me to my late-night radio show. I quickly seduce her with my suave DJ voice and we have wild sex over the air as I play Weezer’s Blue Album.
What’s your porn star name and the name of the porn you would star in?
DJ Raging Woodman in Morning-After Edition
What do you look for in another person?
I look for a girl who has a good sense of humor, is easy to talk to, is intelligent, and has never been a member of the Republican party.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done or would do for love or sex?
I’ve been studying French for about 7 years now in hopes of hooking up with a French girl.
What’s the funniest sexual or romantic experience you’ve had?
I was with one of my friends and we met these two girls at a party. We were hitting on them for almost a half hour and saying really stupid stuff we thought was funny. At the first break in conversation, they started making out, as they’d clearly been waiting to do for the past 25 minutes. As we left, I said, “bye,” and they waved in mid-makeout.
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“Black Ichabod” ’06
What’s the sexiest thing about you?
The ladies say I have legs to die for, but I’d like to go with my well-endowed cranium. My brain is hung like Hawkings, baby.
What’s your secret sex fantasy?
We take a trip down Sesame Street, kick Oscar the Grouch out of his trash can and have some tickle-me-action while rolling among the refuse. I invite Kermit and Miss Piggy along for a little foursome action. And all the puppets are allowed to watch. Except for Elmo. Elmo has to pay.
What’s your pick-up line?
“Why don’t you come to my room and check out my posters…lying down…and naked…and without looking at the posters?”
What’s the best place to have sex on campus?
In the backseat of the RIDE—let the driver watch, I don’t care!
What’s the craziest thing you would do for love or sex?
The craziest thing I would do is hire some 200-pound henchmen, steal a batch of poison gas, rent a hot-air balloon and hold a city for ransom. I’d wear a monocle and laugh maniacally into a bullhorn, threatening to release the gas if the mayor doesn’t adhere to my demands. Wait, did you say a million dollars or love? Whoops…
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“Miss Rumphius” ’06
What’s the sexiest thing about you?
An elusive quality my housemates describe as “rustic hot.”
What’s your pick-up line?
Did you know I’m from California? Yeah, it’s really different out there. If we were in Cali, it would be, like, 70 degrees and sunny, and I’d want to fuck you senseless. I guess some things are the same.
What do you look for in another person?
Humor, intelligence, adventurous spirit, love of cooking, sexual stamina. Also, if you’re the ravishingly gorgeous young man who dresses like he walked out of a 1970s jazz club and passed by North College on his way back from the CFA at 10 a.m. every Wednesday last semester, I was the one walking the other way carrying a mandolin.
What’s the best place to have sex on campus?
The soccer fields by night, the bell tower by day. Remember that time the chimes didn’t sound quite right? Heh, yeah, sorry about that.
What’s the funniest sexual or romantic experience you’ve had?
He came in his wallet, which was still in his pants, which were still on. A rough start, but we stayed together for over a year.
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“Professor Science” ’08
What’s the sexiest thing about you?
My hair (read: lustre), or possibly my eyes (read: laser beams).
What’s your secret sex fantasy?
Sex without weeping. Also, sex with a ninja. If I have to choose, ninja.
What’s your pick-up line?
Excuse me, but I just couldn’t help noticing that you’re more beautiful and
spiritually uplifting than Sufjan Stevens’ music.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done or would do for love or sex?
For love, I would fight a giant super-intelligent robo-bear and his mutant pirate minions on the deck of a ship being slowly devoured by Cthulhu or any similar horrifying dread lord of non-Euclidean madness. No, seriously. For sex I would maybe tell a girl she was pretty.
What’s the funniest sexual or romantic experience you’ve had?
The time my gym teacher squeezed my shoulder kind of a little too hard but still really tenderly. I guess maybe that’s not funny as in “ha ha.”
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“The Randy Dandy” ’06
What’s your secret sex fantasy?
I’ll be in the Davidson Rare Books Room, reading a first edition of the diaries of Samuel Pepys. Slender fingers come into view, brushing the top right corner of the volume. I’ll look up to see some well-scrubbed, tousle-haired Nebraska farm-boy type with a name like Biff or Cody gazing at me yearningly. I can tell right away that he’s writing his thesis on the seventeenth century, too. He wants the book, but bad. I say no, he grabs it and we struggle. The binding bursts and the air fills with hundreds of swirling, deckle-edged quarto pages as we tumble onto the Elizabethan oak bench (the one in the corner that you’re not even supposed to sit on), our thoughts turning from chapter deadlines to tender caresses.
What’s your porn star name and the name of the porn you would star in?
Oscar “Boyz Gone” Wilde in the “The Importance of Boning Earnest” and the Bel Ami film version of De Profundis, “Fop on Top.”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done or would do for love or sex?
Probably posing semi-clad for a picture and then revealing in the school newspaper that I have sexual fantasies involving Midwesterners and the destruction of library property.
What’s the funniest sexual or romantic experience you’ve had?
I once had an admirer compose a reworking of “The Love Song J. Alfred Prufrock” for me. The rhyme scheme was touch-and-go and it made several explicit references to my chest hair. Needless to say we are not speaking to each other anymore.
Which celebrities are the hottest?
Clive Owen and Jason Schwartzman, but only because Cary Grant and Dorothy Parker have been dead for a while now.
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“The Fox” ’06
What’s your porn star name and the name of the porn you would star in?
Julia Fux; Julia Goes to Town on a Horse.
What’s your pick-up line?
“Hey baby, I once had a meth dealer in my basement. I can show you the mattress he slept on…”
What do you look for in another person?
A sense of humor, ambition, social skills that are more advanced than your average Wesleyan student, a large appetite, a strong sex drive, a comfortable bed…
What’s the best place to have sex on campus?
The handicapped bathroom on the first floor of the science center.
What’s the funniest sexual or romantic experience you’ve had?
I drove all over South Hero, Vermont, looking for a secluded place near the lake to have sex in the car with my boyfriend. We found several perfect places but there were other couples in their cars who beat us there. We kept driving around and kept running into more couples. Take the initial sexual desire and add the frustration of one, not finding a place; and two, seeing other people who did find a place… We should have started a line of cars waiting to have sex by the lake, but I guess that wouldn’t have seemed quite as romantic.
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“C.S.S. (Can’t Stop Seducing!)” ’06
What’s your secret sex fantasy?
To have sex in class, thus dually satiating my unending thirst for knowledge with my intense desire to unleash a torrent of my most potent post-modernist sperm upon a willing partner; bear Jack Reilly’s children.
What’s your porn star name and the name of the porn you would star in?
Nate the ‘bator in “Taint it the Truth!”
What’s your pick-up line?
“Me? Gay?”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done or would do for love or sex?
Went on a date to see “Love Actually.”
Which celebrities are the hottest?
Those who share my love of desperately pursuing attention through a series of embarrassing public incidents and then decrying the entire social system that provides their livelihood before awaking to find themselves voted off of “Big Brother” on the third episode; Also, those with implants: breasts, pecs, calves, cheekbones and collarbones and faces.
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“Paris Hilton Ain’t Got Shit On Me” ’07
What’s the sexiest thing about you?
There’s just so much to choose from, but I guess others would say my Jewish nose and the fact that I have hips like Mick Jagger. I wish I could say my ass, but I don’t have one.
What’s your secret sex fantasy?
I am sitting in the back of Science 150 during Organic Chemistry. This hot guy walks into class a few minutes late. I instantly notice his tight shirt and big biceps. Lucky for me we make eye contact, and he sits down next to me. I can’t stop staring at him, and it is apparent a few minutes into class that we both are not taking notes. Then everything ignites and we begin making out and hooking up, yet nobody even turns around. And it’s hot, really hot… like an exothermic reaction on a Bunsen burner. From now on I call that class “Orgasmic Chemistry!”
What do you look for in another person?
A big, juicy, long…profile on facebook.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done or would do for love or sex?
Walked into DKE…sober.
What’s the funniest sexual or romantic experience you’ve had?
There was this one time, when I was with a guy in the shower for more than an hour. My housemates had to pee outside in 10 degree weather. One of them is still mad about it.
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“Crazy/Sexy/and Cool” ’06
What’s your secret sex fantasy?
69 floors of hot sex with “Saturday Night Fever’s” Travolta in a glass elevator playing Siouxsie’s Kiss in a Dreamhouse.
What do you look for in another person?
Playfulness, tight pants, and an incisor gap.
What’s the best place to have sex on campus?
The president’s office. His desk is huge!
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done or would do for love or sex?
I karaoked to Al Green’s “Tired of Being Alone” on Goth Tuesday in a lesbian bar called Diva’s while wearing Daisy Dukes with rainbow suspenders.
What’s the funniest sexual or romantic experience you’ve had?
I got stuck upside down on the pirate ship at Cedar Point amusement park with a stranger for 10 seconds. I thought it was really romantic.
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“THE Gay Mixie” ’06
What’s your porn star name and the name of the porn you would star in?
Harbi Caramel in Caramelback Mountain.
What’s your pick-up line?
“If you were a car door, I’d slam you all night long.”
What do you look for in another person?
Stamina—someone who can disenchant discourses of discursive functions all night long.
What’s the best place to have sex on campus?
In the Senior Interviewer Room (Lower Level)…ask for Jon.
What’s the funniest sexual or romantic experience you’ve had?
Hooking up after hours in the GW Yearbook staff room.
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“Kissie Phallus”
What’s your porn star name and the name of the porn you would star in?
Crystal Pallas in “Storm the Castle”
What’s your pick-up line?
“I can stick my entire fist in my mouth” (demonstrate).
What’s the best place to have sex on campus?
Crowell…I like to hear myself times five.
What’s the funniest sexual or romantic experience you’ve had?
Trying to explain to a guy that girls don’t like it when you just suddenly stick your finger back there.
Which celebrities are the hottest?
I still love David Bowie in Labyrinth. Those gray stretch pants get me every time I watch it.
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“Obscene”
What’s the sexiest thing about you?
Some tend to say that it is my illustrious black mane of chest hair, others mention my resemblance to Raef LaFrentz. Older men compliment me on my tapered jeans.
What’s your porn star name and the name of the porn you would star in?
The Gaelic Punisher, Large Leprechauns.
What’s your pick-up line?
“Are you busy at 3 a.m.?”
What’s the best place to have sex on campus?
Probably either my roommate’s bed or the penalty box in the hockey rink.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done or would do for love or sex?
I got a tattoo—“Property of Alex Diamond”—on my chest; changing in the locker room has become somewhat awkward.