Dear Anonymous Confession Board,
Why didn’t she figure out who I was on Facebook then declare her love for me? You let me down, baby.
Hurting,
Anonymous

Dear Wesleyan University,
Thank you for providing a safe space in which I can freely express myself.
Love,
Drugs

Dear Joss Whedon,
Take us now.
Love,
Alpha Delt

Dear United States Army,
I want you inside me.
Love,
Iraq

Dear Ampersand,
Your staff nearly matches the power of mine. Let’s talk.
Love,
Moses

Dear Shooting a Guy in the Face with a Shotgun,
I love you.
Dick

Dear Christina Aguilera,
I’ll let you out of that bottle. You just name the time and place.
Love,
Lou Bega

Dear Hollywood,
Thanks for the sensitive handling of gay issues in this year’s hits, including Brokeback Mountain, Capote, and Batman Begins.
Love,
The Left

Dear thefacebook.com,
I thought we could work really well together. But I guess you’re happier now that I’m gone.
Whatevs,
wesmatch.com

Dear 80’s Ass Rock,
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Love,
Beta

Dear Mohammed,
Those pictures of you sure were hot! You got me all worked up.
Praise,
The Muslim World