The increasingly unattainable goal of peace in the beleaguered state of Israel was dealt another blow recently when the militaristic pseudo-terrorist party of Hamas defiantly trounced its opposition in Palestinian parliamentary elections. Israel’s main point of contention with Hamas stems from the Palestinian party’s denial of Israel’s existence, which is rather surprising considering the fact that Hamas and its members exist inside of Israel, kind of like how when I eat food, the food pretends my stomach isn’t there and I end up pooping it out five minutes later.

Foreign diplomats from around the world, including representatives of the United States, have denounced Hamas as a terrorist organization, saying that its decree to “obliterate” Israel, according to its charter, disqualifies Hamas from being regarded with any political legitimacy. You know, that’s pretty similar to this parasitic virus living in my stomach that won’t really let me eat or drink anything. Except instead of calling it a terrorist organization and denouncing its political legitimacy, I’m just like, “What the fuck! Get the fuck outta my fucking stomach!” Which, surprisingly, doesn’t do much, because viruses don’t have ears, let alone speak or understand English, much like members of Hamas.

At the moment, it seems as if the precarious Israeli-Palestinian situation is a matter of fate, with a diplomatic solution of peaceful bifurcated statehood just as possible as bloody and hateful conflict. This is a lot like how when I eat food, it’s a matter of fate whether it comes out my ass or my mouth.

To the war-torn brothers and sisters of the Holy Land, I can offer only the advice that my mother gave me regarding the vengeful and calamitous conflict being waged in my intestines: drink a lot of ginger ale, eat some crackers, and try not to kill any innocent people… by vomiting or pooping on them.