The confirmation of Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court marks the biggest sea-change in the court’s makeup sinc—

Oh, hell, I can’t do this. I was so bummed by Alito’s confirmation that I put on this old Dashboard/Bright Eyes mix (from when Nicole dumped me) on repeat, and I’ve just been sitting here since then. Sure, I went to the bathroom to dye my hair black and give myself an asymmetrical haircut. Sure, I’ve been scratching at my wrists with a fork. But I just don’t have the energy to write my poems anymore. But I guess Alito doesn’t even matter, because I don’t even have a girlfriend to have sensitive phone conversations with which can then be wiretapped by an administration granted far-reaching executive privilege.

All I can think about is death. I’ve been thinking of ways to die, then categorizing them into Good or Bad. Here’s the list I have so far.

GOOD DEATH
Paving the way for future generations of miniaturized bloodstream surfers

BAD DEATH
Moments after correcting a child who cried, “Mommy, a Frankenstein!,” eaten by an irate scientist

GOOD DEATH
Winning your family’s freedom in a poison-drinking contest

BAD DEATH
Beaten with a hose by Sir Paul McCartney

GOOD DEATH
Manifesting as-yet-unrecorded levels of power

BAD DEATH
Seppuku, after being bumped off TRL by a dance remix of famous Churchill speeches

GOOD DEATH
Remembered as “the infamous Commander Crayfish”

BAD DEATH
Torn to pieces by an outraged Committee of Distinguished Alumni

GOOD DEATH
Anything with robots

BAD DEATH
Squished by a giant ant, just like mom said

GOOD DEATH
Murdered for blocking the last penalty kick by Manchester United, the bastards

BAD DEATH
Going back in time to rule a European fiefdom with your technological advantages, only to catch the Black Plague

GOOD DEATH
Riding a tiger into outer space

BAD DEATH
Sexual inadequacy