Aries (March 21-April 19)
You will love the New Line Cinema feature film Snakes on a Plane (due out in theaters August 18) and will tell all your friends it’s your favorite movie. This will continue until the release of Snakes on a Plane 2: Planes on a Snake.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. If the fucker can still keep up after that, he probably doesn’t need shoes in the first place.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Increase Cum Volume by 500%!!!
Rock hard erections – Erections like steel
Ejaculate like a porn star – Stronger ejaculation (watch where your aiming)
Multiple orgasms – Cum again and again
Up to 500% more volume – Cover her in it if you want
Sweeter tasting sperm – Studies show it improves the flavor

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Man who walk through airport terminal sideways going to Bangkok.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
7h3 574r5 1nd1c473 7h47 y0u w1|| 5p3nd 700 much 71m3 0n 1n73rn37 m355463 b04rd5 7h15 w33k!!1

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
More of the same.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
In the time it takes your body to fall from the bell tower, you will reconcile yourself with your death and realize you regret nothing except for shouting all those racial slurs.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You will find yourself suddenly and miraculously pregnant. Stephen Malkmus will deny everything.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Difficult choices lie ahead. I recommend rooting for Santino.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your recently-invented “number-neutral pronouns” will finally catch on this week, earning you respect and admiration from the kids who always write Wespeaks and hatred and ridicule from the rest of the campus.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Even though you will continue to say “If only they knew the French word for ‘coathanger!’,” most people will agree that it would have been funnier if you’d thought to say it during Umbrellas of Cherbourg and not a week afterwards.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Contrary to popular belief, those sunglasses don’t make you look like Jackie O. They make you look like a giant whore. I can’t believe no one has told you this yet.