Dear NASCAR Dad,
I’ve been dating this boy since the beginning of seventh grade. That’s almost four months! And things are starting to get hot and heavy. Sometimes we even neck! But lately he’s seemed less attracted to me. I developed anorexia to lose some weight but I’m still afraid he’s going to break up with me. What should I do?
Write back soon,
Emaciated in Birmingham

Dear Fatty,
First things first, you need to overcome your anorexia. The best way to do this is to become bulimic; he’ll be much less suspicious, and I guarantee you’ll drop the pounds faster. Secondly, a sure fire way to get him to stay with you is to become pregnant. Here you have some options: Go off the pill without telling him, poke pinholes in his condoms, or artificially inseminate yourself from an anonymous donor and then tell him it’s his kid. By the grace of God the Almighty, he’ll have no choice but to marry you (that is, of course, if he’s of strong moral fiber). By the third trimester you’ll have the shotgun wedding that every little girl’s dreamed about.
God bless America,
Chuck

Dear Mr. Wallace,
This is pretty tough, but I’ll cut right to the chase: I’m in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend, but recently I’ve been seeing another man. Should I tell him?
Devotedly yours,
Confused in Atlanta

Dear Two-timing Hussy,
For guidance, look no further than Samuel Alito. Sure, plenty of people say women and minorities aren’t equal, but he actually tried to do something about it. Take a lesson from Sam: take action before action takes you. It worked for him, and it can work for you too, whore.
Yours (but only with protection because you’re probably unclean),
Chuck

Dear Chuck,
I think I’m in love with this girl who’s waxed and waned in and out of fame since the 60’s. I’ve even been stalking her a little. Nothing major, rummaging through her garbage mostly. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’ve had a crush on her since I was a kid, like over thirty years. I don’t even care that she’s part robot. If only I could have met her before she became famous, or at least before she was assimilated. I need to be with her. Resistance is futile.
Wishing I could turn back time,
Hopeless Robomantic in Little Rock

Dear Loser,
She sounds like a real winner, the type of girl who would support our troops, but I can’t condone this relationship. Marriage is a sacred institution for a man and a woman. God created Adam the man and Eve the woman, not Eve the half-machine that still looks pretty smokin’ but may or may not have all her woman parts. Bottom line, you need to get the stones to talk to her. Best case scenario, you bag a partially human pop star. Worst case, you’re rejected and assimilated. But you’re in your thirties and writing to a magazine for teenage girls, so I don’t think you have too much to lose.
Your xenophobic patriarchal figure,
Chuck