The demure, homely, ostensibly worthless life of Jennifer Anniston was shaken harder than a movie-set trailer in which Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are having orgasmic, mind-rocking, Womb Raider sex when Jen discovered a spicy little tidbit of information that anyone with the perception skills of Helen Keller could have figured out (and Helen Keller’s dead): on December 7, 1941, the Imperial Japanese Navy attacked the United States Naval Base at Pearl Harbor.
“This was obvious to everyone else,” said A! Entertainment mean-spirited gay man Phillip DuBois. “Somehow, she managed to miss all the warning signs!”
According to an exclusive source close to Jenny who has been living in a garbage can outside her house for the last three months feeding on discarded fruit peels, Jen was informed of this calamitous news while either knitting, watching The Notebook, or getting the cobwebs removed from her vagina. Jenny-Wenny, who has never won an Oscar, made out with her brother, or worn a vial of Billy Bob Thorton’s blood around her neck, was immediately distraught by the disheartening historical account of that infamous day.
Jenny-Bwenny-Shmenny-Pants, who does not have lips that could shelter an entire impoverished malnourished African nation during a rainstorm, was shocked and awed by the traumatizing tale of how the United States, distracted by the tediously ordinary fascism of Nazi Germany, was pounced upon by, and immediately succumbed to, the wily advances of the exotic and cunning Japanese Imperial Navy, as if they were all some crazy sky captains in a veritable world of tomorrow (Angelina Jolie was in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow… douche-cock).
“Jen isn’t really the most discerning person in the world,” commented Anniston’s publicist, Rita Holloway. “Sometimes it takes her a while to figure things out… like sixty years, for instance. Why, you could probably be on the phone with her at the set of a spectacularly popular, salaciously titillating film, having an in-depth, heartfelt conversation about her crappy ’90s TV show, and she would have no idea that you were getting blown like a kilo of cocaine at Eclectic by your gorgeous co-star.”