Many people think that it would be cool to be adopted by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. To these people I would say nothing, because I would be slapping them instead. In my opinion, being the adopted progeny of Hollywood royalty would suck. Here are some reasons why:

1) Hot Parents. This is an unenviable situation to be in. Not just one but both of your parents are incredibly hot. Pants-wettingly hot. And you justify your lust by saying that you’re not technically related. The same goes for whatever gorgeous offspring they happen to have. You’ll need a lifetime of therapy to remedy whatever confused feelings you end up with.

2) Competition. You would be the center of attention right up until they adopted another kid, at which point you would be left starving for attention. I’m not saying that Brad and Angelina would stop caring about you, but the paparazzi wouldn’t give you a second look if you were spotted out without one of your parents. And that would defeat the whole purpose of celebrity adoption: future career advancement.

3) Ridiculous Luxury. Who doesn’t want to have anything they can possibly think of at their disposal? You’d have a Bentley before you could drive. A pool full of lime Jell-O. A ball pit. Can you imagine growing up with a damn ball pit in your house? A fucking ball pit, full of colorful plastic balls you can swim in and throw at your friends! In your house! That’s not even reality; it’s Scrooge McDuck-pool-of-gold-coins fantasyland. But on the other hand, I guess it’s better live like that than in the Sudan.