All I Want For Christmas

By Claire Greenwood

- To come down off of Adderall.
- To be able to carry on a conversation about the Pixies for more than 10 seconds without wanting to stab myself in the eye.
- The nine dollars I spent on “Rent” back. Okay, eighteen dollars.
- For someone to explain to me what the hell the “grey area” is.
- Alleviation of white guilt.
- My parents to love me even though I ate pussy (it was only three times, okay?)
- To find ninjas and/or pirates interesting.
- My period to come. Fuck.

This article was posted in the print edition as part of the Wesleyan Argus Ampersand. It is satire and should not be construed as fact.