THINGS I WISH MY FRIENDS DIDN’T SAY TO MY PARENTS:

“I heard Katie tied the world record for abortions!”

“I heard Jess tied the world record for abortions!”

THINGS I WISH MY FRIENDS DID SAY TO MY PARENTS:

“Did you hear that Katie didn’t set the world record for abortions?”

“Did you hear that Jess set the world record for fewest abortions?”

THINGS I COULD HAVE SAID TO MY FRIENDS’ PARENTS:

“Your son’s penis is small!!”

“Are you guys Jewish? Or is your son’s circumcision just for, you know, medicinal purposes?”

“Everyone saw your son’s penis.”

THINGS I WISH THE CARDINAL MASCOT DIDN’T SAY TO MY PARENTS:

“Your daughter aborted my baby! Go Wes!!!”

THINGS I WISH MY PARENTS SAID TO ME:

“Have as many abortions as you want.”

THINGS I WISH MY PARENTS DIDN’T SAY TO MY NEW BOYFRIEND:

“Did you hear Katie set the world record for abortions?”

“I understand, I almost aborted Jess.”