Wesleyan was thrown into an uproar last month when two time travellers arrived on campus in a now-famous burst of brimstone and lightning outside the Campus Center. The adventurers, founding father John Hancock and cybernetic future-man Jherek Carnelian, were recently overheard discussing Wesleyan’s Anonymous Confession Board over lattes at Pi Cafe.

Carnelian, who in his recent series of lectures described an apocalyptic possible future America in which all anti-government speech is violently put down by twelve-foot nanotech Axe-Bots, was heard to remark, “In my theoretical timestream, a forum for anonymous dissent would be a huge boon to those of us in the Returners who are trying to foment revolutionary feeliings among the plebeian classes.” At this, Hancock, legendary as the first and boldest signatory of the Declaration of Independence, leapt to his feet in a furor, crying, “My good sirrah, it is only the weakest sort of revolutionary who dare put forth his righteous furies unnamed!”

Carnelian kept his calm, gently replying, “I appreciate your sense of honor, John, but you gentlemen didn’t have to deal with Axe-Bots featuring the latest in contextual language and speech-pattern analysi—“ At this Hancock interrupted Carnelian, loudly saying, ”Imply you, dear friend, that the attentions of the redcoats quartered in our very homes were a laughable deterrant when compared to your hateful mechanical men?“

The argument continued in this vein for some time, until at last Hancock stormed out in the direction of Beta, muttering something about how Carnelian was an ”ineffable gaywad.“ Carnelian, who was seen wiping tears of black oil from his ocular implants, then turned his attention to a group of female Alpha Delt pledges.