One time, I took one of the public safety cars, not one of the stupid SUVs, mind you, but one of the real deal Police Interceptor cop cars. Anyway, I took it in the middle of the night, and turned the lights on. Not, like, those red ones that stay on all the time, but the real kind that flash and look intimidating and everything. Then I turned on the siren and the airhorn and yelled at students through the loudspeaker. I mean, there weren’t any actual students around, because I could have gotten in major trouble. But I told them to stop, and then I told them to disperse. Then I picked up the radio and said “over” and “10-4” into it a lot. It was super sweet.

Basically, it was the best night I’ve ever spent in the Vine Street parking lot, and I’m going to remember the good times forever.

Wesleyan, I’m going to miss all of you, seriously. You don’t know who I am, or why I’m leaving, but I know all of you. Because I looked all of you up in the Public Safety database.