Have you got a qualm to quell? Do you happen to possess some shit to spit? Are you by any chance holding onto some hate to orate? Well, my technologically-minded peers, the antiquated, obsolete days of duels at high noon and drive-by’s on Broad Street are fading from our collective rearview mirror faster than Harriet Miers.

What, you think that you actually need an infinitesimal amount of dignity, courage, or balls to throw down some smack? Get with the Zero’s, you out-of-touch fuckface! Why don’t you just throw on a pair of pantaloons, hop in your wagon, and head for Oregon with as many bullets as you can buy? This is the year 2005, and if people preceed saying what year it is with the phrase “the year,” that means you’re living in the future.

Consequently, thanks to Al Gore’s internet, the Wesleyan Confession Board has presented all of us noble and principled college academics with an opportunity to voice our bitchy, nonsensical, outlandish condemnations about our peers in the most honorable of ways: anonymously! Yet before you jump face first into this veritable paragon of respectful discourse, you need to learn the rules for strutting like a jive turkey. You’ll be talking so much shit, you’ll need toilet paper for your mouth!

1 – One of the best ways to really get someone below the crotch – both literally and metaphorically – is to say that they gave you an STD. That way, you are able to profess your moral, hygienic, and sexual superiority to said skank, while simultaneously sounding cool, because you fucking nailed the person. One mode of mocking that is always effective is fancy graphics and visualizations. I just go nuts for the Venn diagram. Especially because the place where the circles intersect slightly resembles a vagina. Hi-yo!

2 – Nothing is more deprecating, and harder to defend, than a ludicrously unsubstantiated claim of racism/homophobia/genocide-endorsement. For example: “Does anyone know Howie Paulsen? Well, Howie supports hurricanes. Honestly, have you ever heard Hurricane-Humping Howie say, ‘Man, I really hate hurricanes’? No, no you haven’t. Old Howie’s probably too busy growing rich off the hurricane industry and throwing his Hurricane Beta Heroin Orgy Party.”

3 – Say someone has a prosthetic limb. That’s always funny. Oh, and that they shave their beave. Hiiiiilarious.

4 – Write about how you’ve never been kissed. Ever. Or been on a date with anyone. Even though you’re the oldest person at Wesleyan. And you’re going to die alone… Then add identifying details for someone else.