Hi, my name’s Claire and I evaluate people’s inner worth based on their musical tastes and appearances. Biggest mistake ever. Recently, I’ve come to the realization that even though I’ve pulled off looking like an Urban Outfitters spokesperson, no one actually likes me. Listening to The Decemberists/ Le Tigre/ The Mars Volta and wearing checkered shoes doesn’t make me any less of a cheerleader on OxyContin. Who am I trying to fool with my puffy jacket and exquisite taste in music? I have no real friends. I mean, there’s my dealer and the people I smoke with, but they all suck.

My greatest skill in life is being appropriately judgmental, but feeling better than 99% of the student body is ineffably exhausting. I’ve devised a new system to acquire friends who are genuinely—as opposed to superficially— noteworthy. Instead of judging people by what they’re wearing and listening to, I’m going to place everyone I meet into one of five social categories based on the artifacts they choose to bring out with them on Friday nights, then form relationships with 2-3 people from each category, ensuring a plethora of diverse viewpoints and life experiences from my group of friends. So, what’s in YOUR bag? Check all that apply:

1. A spare thong, contact lens solution, and a condom.
2. Madame Bovine’s Garden Path Sojourn to Vaginal Pleasure and Vegetarian Cookbook, knitting needles, and/or a mouth guard
3. A sharpie and a bloody razor
4. Drugs. Lots of drugs.
5. A baseball bat, a rope, and a condom.

Most Wesleyan students will fit into one of these categories, so everyone has a shot at becoming my friend. That should be everyone’s goal here, since I’m just that cool.