A list of very respectable virgins I compiled to make myself feel better about not getting any at the Sex Party

By Steve “Blake” Aubrey

- Hans Christian Andersen – author of The Little Mermaid
- Jesus Christ – savior
- Emily Dickinson – poet
- Nikola Tesla – inventor
- Olive Oil – main product of the Minoan civilization
- A. C. Green – forward for ’87 and ’88 NBA Champion L.A. Lakers
- Ed Gein – serial killer
- Boleslaus V – 13th century king of Poland
- Joan of Arc – commander of French Royal Army
- Athena – mythic Greek goddess of wisdom
- My parents – former primary caregivers

This article was posted in the print edition as part of the Wesleyan Argus Ampersand. It is satire and should not be construed as fact.