The Board of Trustees approved yet another tuition-hike this week, raising tuition to $50,000 per year, plus the promise of students’ first-born children. While critics of this decision are calling it “fascist,” and “in violation of basic human rights,” the administration is defending it as “smart long-term planning.”
“This is the best financial idea we’ve had since installing secret video-cameras in the dorm rooms and selling freshmen porn online. Wait, that was off the record, right?” said Justin Harmoon, Director of University Communismications.
The tuition increase will drastically slash the University’s costs, as the children will be enslaved by Aramark and ABM building maintenance services.
“We figure the babies will roam freely over Andrus Field and the CFA Field, so we don’t need to fertilize the grass. Once their opposable thumbs get strong enough we’ll start them out with simple tools, like mops and brooms, and maybe lawn mowers. Only the ones who learn how to speak and read a little will get the Aramark jobs,” said Mannie Cuntard, Director of Obscure But Nonetheless Necessary Operations.
According to Harmoon, the administration is not expecting the children to live past ten years old, due to the amount of Middletown drinking water in their diet.
“I mean it’s not like we can buy health insurance for these kids!” Harmoon said.
While the University has at least a few years to go until their investment really starts to pay off, one previously unheard of bastard child of a Wesleyan student has already entered her enslavement. Missy Stone, 7, is the offspring of a fling between a teen-aged Todd Stone, ’05, and Tina Paunty, a middle-aged sex merchant. The University tracked down young Missy, who now works as a cashier at Weshop.
“At least I get to see my little girl every day,” Stone said, with tears in his big Stone eyes. “She’s just like a Stone angel behind that counter.”
Some students are skeptical that the University will be able to track them and their offspring after graduation.
“Screw that man. I’m joining the Scientologists and skipping the country!” said Olivia Stalin-Finkel, formerly ’05.
Little do these students know that the government has instated genetically-oriented GPS systems, which get implanted in all students when they receive meningitis vaccinations before coming to college.
Harmoon is putting together a Search and Retrieve task force to capture alums’ offspring.
“We’re going to have uniforms, and rocket-propelled flyer suits, and we’ll have secret codes and stuff!” said a giddy Justin Harmoon.
“I think the prospect of having some little ones on campus has really cheered Doug up lately,” said Midge Bennet. “He’s been so depressed ever since the Board denied his request to hire midget registrars.”
Some professors, particularly in the Science Departments, recognized the advantages of having children on campus to participate in experiments.
“Most people are reluctant to take part in a scientific experiment,” said Biology professor Johann Shnitznell. “Students will ask so many questions, but young children don’t know any better, and they’ll do anything for a little candy.”