The athletic department released a short list of its top recruits for the future Class of 2009. The top recruit is a 250-pound center for the football team named Ben Dover. An All-American quarterback enjoyed four seasons with Ben Dover in front of him, but Dover, who hails from Intercourse, Penn. says he doesn’t care who is behind him, as long as he’s good. Dover’s sister, Eileen Dover, has also been offered a full Wesleyan scholarship based on her agility and ability to play almost any sport.

All-American transsexual Mike Hunt was highly recruited as well, and ze will join the rugby team next fall. Mike Hunt has a reputation for a bad attitude, so hopefully hir teammates will not rub hir the wrong way. Mike Hunt’s counterpart, future men’s rugby team member Hugh Jassil, has the same great talents and attitude problems.

International women’s basketball sensation Imadu Shbag has officially accepted her invitation to become a part of the Wesleyan community, after Wesleyan promised her top-notch garbage removal services. Her brother, Uradu Shbag, also plays basketball in the Middle East and plans to join the Cardinals next fall.