Welcome back, dearest readers. I hope that each and every one of you had a lovely summer, filled with warm weather, tropical mixed drinks and promiscuous film viewing. Now that we’ve had a break from school, it’s time to immerse ourselves in the finest thing Wesleyan has to offer. No, not a liberal arts education, you cute little lemers.

I’m talking about an offer you can’t refuse. I’m talking about the most supremely awesome collection of movies that you can possibly watch this side of a film festival. And, oh yes, sirs and madams, I’m talking about all of these pieces of cinematic sweetness presented on the big screen, projected in their original formats. Not DVDs, nor VHS. Not Betamax, nor Laserdisc. We show no Quicktime, nor do we rock our movies in Windows Media. We’re not talking about illegal downloads, Jack Valenti. We’re not talking about the laser show at your local planetarium.

We’re talking about FILM! We’re talking about the FILM SERIES! Shit, people! Say it out loud, put your right hand over your heart, and start singing the National Anthem! The National Anthem of Film! That’s right. What? You don’t know the words? Then make it up! You’re smart enough. You were accepted here, right? Weren’t you? Don’t lie to me! Don’t you lie to me!! I demand an answer! Yes! Yes!!!!!

So, the Film Series. I think it’s amazing. No other school has anything that comes close to this. Where else are you going to see “Beyond the Valley of The Dolls,” and “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance” in a movie theater during the same weekend? Or the same month? Or the same year? Or for FREE? Certainly not at Smith. In fact, the reason I chose to go here instead of Smith was seeing the Film Series poster as an impressionable prefrosh. That, and the awesome food.

So, if you’re a frosh, a transfer, a long-term memory loss-type person or the kind of person who likes to read things they already know in order to feel smarter, let me explain the deal with the film series. Every week we show four movies. Two are free and two cost four dollars. Wait! You’re thinking that last year it was only three dollars and why would they do that? Well, how do you know it was only three dollars last year if you have no long-term memory?

Anyway, we show movies picked by a small group of students. We are like you, only we are lusty when it comes to film. You love cinema too, I know. But do you fantasize about celluloid? Do you hunger for 24 frames per second of flickering light? Do you want to make out with Ernest Borgnine?

We do. All of us. We are the Film Board. And we are here to spread our love of the movies to the greater Wesleyan population. Treat the film series as a class. The poster you should have received by now in your mailbox is like a syllabus, and I will give weekly lectures in this column that may or may not have anything to do with the films you watch. And in this class, there’s no homework.

Do it! Enroll! It’s not an FYI! You don’t even need to electronically add the class! Just show up on the first day, damnit!! You’re in!!! You’re in!!! This class is unlimited!!!! My sagely Senior year advice to you all: Step out of your comfort zone and see the movies that you’ve never seen before but sound interesting. That’s the only way to learn. I love this school. I love the students! I love the Film Series! I hope that you have similar sentiments. Ready to see something that could change your life? This weekend alone is like an orgy of film that seems like it could only exist in dreams. But this is really happening. Martin Scorsese is actually coming to campus! Get there early so you are sure to get a seat! Ready? Let’s Go!

This weekend in the CFA Cinema:

Many people revere Orson Welles’ “Citizen Kane” as the greatest American film of all time. Some people strike the word American from the previous statement. Is it really that good? Yes, it’s pretty damn excellent. It’s a visually groundbreaking movie, especially if you remember that it was made in 1941 by a 26 year old, first-time director!! But is it the greatest film of all time? Well, if you haven’t seen it you cannot answer that question, can you? So check it out and decide for yourself.

In the CFA Cinema (not the Center for Film Studies), Friday the 10th and Saturday the 11th, 7:30 and 10.

For free in the Science Center:

Friday at 7:30 and 10: “Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!” by Spain’s lovable and squishable auteur Pedro Almodovar, starring a much younger Antonio Banderas. This is a super sexy Latin film made before super sexy Latin films were hip.

Saturday at 7:30 and 10: “The Rules of The Game.” Often, those international critics who do not think that “Citizen Kane” is the greatest film ever choose to recognize this film by the brilliant Jean Renoir, whose “Grand Illusion” is much loved as well. Like the underdog? This film is the compulsive runner-up and is also so amazingly good that it’s not enough to tell you that you should go see it. You must go see it. If you want to talk about film, you need to know this film. Was that mean of me? It’s true. You have to see it. I’m serious.

And next Wednesday in the Cinema: Sergio Leone’s masterpiece, “Once Upon A Time In The West.” You like Leone’s “The Good, The Bad & The Ugly?” Well this is so much better. It is, in fact one of my favorite movies ever. I cannot say enough about this film. But my space in this column is running out, I’m feeling so conflicted! There are so many choices for films to see on campus in the coming weeks. But if you see one film on Wednesday (don’t worry, there’s nothing else playing), see this one. I swear to a higher power, that this brilliant movie will blow your mind. You will feel absolutely puny after you see it. In a good way! Ah!!! It’s amazing!!! Now if I had to make a “greatest film of all time,” list, I’d put this up there with all the ones that everyone puts up there. Now who the hell would do that? I did, that’s who.

And, of course, don’t forget: This weekend in the new Center for Film Studies: The Martin Scorsese Retrospective.

Tonight! 7pm. Martin Scorsese appearing live in person to screen and talk about Elia Kazan’s “America, America”, and participate in a Q and A. Free admission and a free copy of the new book “Working With Scorsese.” All other shows are $4 admission, and the book may be purchased for $10.

Saturday, September 11: “After Hours” at 2 p.m., “Raging Bull” at 7 p.m.

Sunday, September 12: “Three by Scorsese” at 2 p.m., “Taxi Driver” at 7 p.m.