Like an understanding parent or a faithful rock groupie, I have always loved pageants for what they truly are: human dog shows that make me feel fat. I would never deign to call Miss America a “scholarship program,” nor do I support the unjust persecution of the swimsuit competition – after all, what’s a meat market without a little meat? Any attempts to modernize beauty pageants are, in my view, as futile as trying to make “The Howard Stern Show” politically correct. Like the Stern show, pageants are fabulously sexist visual displays – fun to watch, certainly, but hardly platforms for the advancement of women.

This is not to say, however, that beauty pageants serve no purpose in society. Much like fashion models, beauty queens represent changing standards of attractiveness. Pageant judges – largely B-list celebrities like B.D. Wong – are just as susceptible to media forces as the general public. Therefore, their conceptions of beauty are likely to reflect the aesthetic trends of the time. Often these trends seem to lag behind social progress; Vanessa Williams, the first black woman to win the title of Miss America, was not crowned until 1984. Miss Universe winners, however, come from such diverse backgrounds that they tend to encourage previously overlooked forms of beauty. Miss Universe 1997 Brook Lee (U.S.A.), 1998 Wendy Fitzwilliam (Trinidad and Tobago) and 1999 Mpule Kwelagobe (Botswana) signaled a general shift away from the stereotypical fair-skinned beauty queen. Similarly, after a rash of feather-haired blondes in the late ’80’s, Miss America judges favored darker-haired, darker-skinned women in the ’90’s. Theoretically, pageant winners are selected based on criteria other than their physical appearance (for instance, ability to respond to asinine questions in 30 seconds or less, and probability of tripping while walking in a bikini and four-inch heels) – yet the contestants are never unpolished or unattractive. The competitions remain focused on beauty, and therefore indicate national and global conceptions of attractiveness.

With all of this in mind, I sat down to watch Miss U.S.A. 2004 last Monday evening. As usual, my roommates and I constructed a detailed flowchart in order to track the progress of our favorite, Miss Arizona. As the final ten contestants were announced, I was struck not only by the absence of Arizona (what the hell does B.D. Wong know, anyway), but also by the appearance of the lineup. The final ten resembled the front line of a busty blonde army, with the occasional brunette thrown in to distract the enemy. Their war plan was clear; they would lather up with bronzer, slip into red bikinis and mesmerize the audience with their impossibly perky breasts. This strategy was quite effective; the final five consisted of four blondes and a Jackie-O look-alike. Miss Missouri, Miss North Carolina, Miss South Carolina, Miss Oklahoma and Miss Tennessee then turned on each other and began to battle for the crown. Oklahoma maximized her ditz potential, telling the nation that if she could have dinner with anyone in the world, it would be “Justin Timberlake, of course!” Miss North Carolina manipulated the family angle by pointing out her adorable little sister, while Miss South Carolina appealed to rock-and-roll fans by insinuating that Elvis had been reincarnated as her teddy bear. In the end, however, it was children’s author Shandi Finnessey, Miss Missouri, who wore the crown.

Could Monday night’s results represent a blonde backlash? It may be too early to say. It is notable, however, that last year’s final ten included four women of color and only three blondes. In fact, all Miss U.S.A. semifinalist groups since 2000 have included at least four minorities. The jump to zero in 2004 may be a fluke, but it may be a sign of changing standards of beauty. The big-haired blonde, a look that has been out of style since the late ’80’s, may be making a comeback. This theory is particularly interesting in the context of the Bush administration – could the resurgence of traditional “American” values have swayed the beauty trend back toward the “All-American,” girl-next-door look? As a proud, semi-natural blonde, this would be good news for me, but it would also severely limit the general public’s conception of what is beautiful. On top of the persistent pressure to be thin, will American women again feel pressure to be blonde-haired and blue-eyed? I guess we’ll have to tune in next year.