So Bush is raising hundreds of millions of dollars – WAY more than any democratic candidate – to run virtually unopposed. What are some better uses for this money?

Sure, some pinkos out there may say “education” or “betterment of impoverished living conditions” or “free marijuana and abortion party where we drive Volvo hybrids and eat everyone who makes over $40,000 a year.” No.

I’m talking something big. Mars? Bigger. I’m talking about a campaign everyone can get behind – one that really says “this is the United States we’ve come to know and love.” I’m talking about renting out the Olympic stadium during the next Olympics – buying every seat in the place and not allowing any foreigners in. Then the President himself will run the 100 meter dash and get all THREE medals.

The finish line will be a ribbon reading “United Nations” that Bush will tear through, and then in the background, a giant piñata of France will explode, releasing frogs’ legs and white flags everywhere. Yeah! Up yours, World! Don’t Tread on the U.S. of A! We spent $300 million to run around a track and symbolically kick your ass! Because that’s the message we’re trying to get across. Unity.

Seriously, though.

I mean – MORE seriously, because I’m not kidding about that idea.

More seriously – why don’t we hear more about the Republican primaries? What about other candidates, candidates like Crazy old one-legged Joe McGoo who comes from “Skeeter Crick” and is running on the “get the skeeters out of my crick and also no more women getting uppity and votin’” platform?

What about soon-to-announce candidates in the Republican race? Here I am, of course, talking about Connecticut’s very own Joe Lieberman.