What began as a simple excursion to find food quickly turned into a harrowing ordeal for seven Wesleyan students on Saturday night. The students began their trek in the Low Rise base camp, intent on the promise of a good dinner at the end of their journey. After a bitter climb up Church Street, the group finally arrived at Summerfields.

The excitement at finding a door without a line was quickly destroyed by a bearded man standing guard just inside. The new Summerfields manager turned multiple groups of students away.

“Look, I just got this place three days ago,” he said. “I need to train my staff. You can go utilize your points at Weswings.”

The Low Rise team made the decision to attempt the descent to Weswings. As they approached, they were dismayed to find the facility packed beyond capacity. Numerous other expeditions had already formed temporary camps near the entrance and were waiting for their chance to order.

With morale slipping, the group began a grueling climb back up Church Street towards the Campus Center. When they arrived at what had once been a haven of warmth and food, they realized that their knowledge of the terrain was hopelessly out of date. The entire complex was abandoned and cold. The doors to the old kitchen were sealed shut, and a few other travelers were found moving about the area with stunned expressions.

The critical moment had arrived. With body heat and strength disappearing at an alarming rate, the expedition’s leaders decided to make a bold push across the Andrus Plateau before attempting a final assault on the summit of Mount McConaughy.

Tragedy struck in the middle of Andrus. The first to fall was an experienced climber from Vermont. His conviction that his northern heritage would protect him from the elements had left him woefully underdressed. Searching for help, the team noticed the women’s rugby team who, following a long tradition of rugby teams stranded in the mountains, were barbequing a fallen teammate.

In a final moment of desperation, the Low Rise expedition decided to follow this example. With their former companion giving them strength from within, they began the long descent towards base camp. Six out of seven original members survived this harrowing ordeal, and are currently in Middlesex Hospital recovering. The family of the eaten student has filed suit against Aramark.