In a swift seizure of power, 29 Public Safety SUVs surrounded North and South College early Thursday morning. Led by Director of Public Safety Maryann Wiggin, Public Safety and a few stray Middletown Police officers jumped out of their cars and ran up the buildings steps, blocking all entrances.
“I think it’s a crisis situation,” said John Doe ’05, who was on the scene as it was happening.
As SUVs continued to arrive on the scene, officers combed the building breaking into administrators’ offices. Interim Dean of the College Peter Patton, Vice President for Finance and Administration Marcia Bromberg, and Associate Provost Billy Wietzer were among the administrators rounded up and locked in the bell tower at the top of South College. Small children and Dean of Student Services Mike Whaley were released unharmed.
On Wiggin’s orders Public Safety’s elite S.W.A.T. team stormed into Director of Communications Justin Harmon’s office. Finding it empty, they moved onto President Doug Bennet’s office.
As officers broke down the door and entered the room, they received enemy fire. Harmon was found wildly brandishing an electric stapler in a heroic attempt to save the life of Bennet, who was huddled in a corner. When his last staple fired, the S.W.A.T team stormed in and dragged the two men to the tower.
Once Public Safety secured the buildings, Wiggin stepped out of her reinforced van and pulled out a loud speaker to address both the crowd and the administrators being held captive. By this time, the whole student body had convened on the lawn in front of the two buildings, some cheering and others crying from the confusion.
“No one needs to panic,” Wiggin yelled into the speaker, furiously waving her favorite ruler. “Just stay calm and you won’t get hurt.”
As she put down the loud speaker, students in the crowd began to talk excitedly.
“This Public Safety coup is pretty cool, but damn I’ve never seen Maryann Wiggin before,” Doe said to fellow students. “She is H-O-T, HOT.”
Other students nodded in agreement, commenting particularly on her sexy police persona and sporty haircut.
“Do you think it would be weird if I asked her out? I mean she’s sort of busy right now, but I kind of like the fact that she could totally take me down,” Doe said.
According to an analysis of internal documents, Wiggin has been planning the take-over since her laptop was stolen a month ago. She plans to hold the administration hostage until her computer is returned.
“I’m committed to this for as long as it takes,” Wiggin said. “We caught the laptop thief but apparently there is still someone out there, maybe a copycat. No one is leaving the building until I get it back.”
As students got comfortable on the North College lawn, and as Public Safety and Wiggin held firm, a few bystanders noticed a small window at the top of the bell tower slide open. Before anyone could understand what was going on, Bennet with a garbled yell leapt out of the window to the ground, swinging on a bell rope.
Some students were confused and thought that they had seen Quasimodo. Others reported that Bennet had yelled something along the lines of “I am the best president and I will save this school! P.S. I love you Midge!!!”
Somehow neither Public Safety nor Wiggin noticed any of this. As Bennet ran frantically toward the Zelnick Pavilion, a few Argus reporters were hot on his tail. Bennet entered the pavilion and removed a floor tile, pulling out a red telephone.
“Quick! In this desperate time we have no choice but to call on Joey Wender. Send up the Wender signal! And hurry!” Bennet screamed into the phone.
Bennet hung up the Wenderphone and the sky turned dark. Students on the lawn could see a “W” glowing from the Van Vleck Observatory. Thirty seconds later, Doe nudged his friend.
“Hey, it looks like a plane,” he said.
“No man, it’s totally a bird,” replied his friend.
Everyone watched in awe and slight disbelief, as Joey Wender, former WSA President, landed on the lawn.
“Maryann, we meet again,” said Wender.
“Joey Wender,” Wiggin sneered. “Bring it, foo’.”