[editors’ note: keep in mind we have a limited budget]

True Story: A friend of mine was at a party and struck up a conversation with a hardcore vegan. Farfetched, I know. But it’s true, so bear with me. So they’re talking and the conversation turns to how much someone would have to pay you to kill a puppy with your bare hands, as conversations often do. The vegan thought about it for a while and then said “Well, could I just smash it against a wall or something?”
“Yes,” said my friend, somewhat taken aback.
“Oh, I don’t know, then,” said the vegan. “Five dollars.” This was somewhat of a shock, as most people he had previously asked had given figures in the tens of thousands of dollars range.
“Five dollars?” He asked. She confirmed this and they talked for another twenty minutes or so, on and off the topic, before it finally came out that the vegan had thought he had said Pumpkin.

All I have to say is, if someone will charge you five dollars to kill a goddamn pumpkin, they must be a hardcore vegan.

Other panelists respond:
Max Goldblatt: Another puppy.

Alexandra Verville: I can get paid for that?

Zoe!: I don’t like killing puppies. Only mosquitoes. Because puppies are made of good. And mosquitoes are made of evil.
Special guest appearance from HARI KONDABOLU: A chance to free the world of pain…or a chance to see the end of the original Mario Bros. I really want to know what Princess Toadstool looks like.

Jacob Robinson: I would want some snips and snails, which I could combine with the puppy-dog tail and create a SUPER HUMAN BOY!

[editors’ note: There is some contention as to whether boys are made from “snips” or “frogs” or “slugs.” But babyzone.com says snips. We’re goin’ with it!]
Sascha Stanton-Craven: There are very humane ways to kill a puppy and still use your hands. Just ask the dictionary.

Here are definitions for “kill” given by dictionary.com, and how these definitions can be applied to puppy-killing.

1) To put an end to, extinguish – step one: set puppy on fire. Step two: put puppy out. Puppy extinguished.

2) To destroy a vitally essential quality in. as in too much garlic killed the taste of the meat, or presumably, too much using my hands killed the puppy. – So according to this definition, to “kill” the puppy would mean to destroy a vitally essential quality, i.e. to remove it’s “puppyness.” Solution: Wait for it to grow up.

3) To cause to cease operating, turn off. – Buy a robotic puppy that does backflips while barking. I love those things. Maybe too much to turn it off. Let’s skip this one.

4) To tire out completely, exhaust – Play with the puppy.
Fetch, for example.

5) To consume entirely, finish off.

You will need:
1 puppy
1 large pot
3 gallons water
2 onions
2 potatoes
truffles (optional)
salt

Boil puppy for 40 minutes or until tender. Serve with a garnish – perhaps milk bones. Or kittens. Make sure you are a member of the clean plate club.
I know many of you may be saying that this kind of misses the point – that I am not actually “Killing” the puppy in any of these examples (maybe the eating it) (…or setting it on fire, depending on how quickly one puts it out) (…don’t put it out by stomping on it or smothering it or tying it to a stone and dropping it in the middle of the ocean. Or smashing it against a wall. That won’t even put the fire out, stupid).

So Jacob Robinson and I put our heads together and came up with:

!!!!!!THE ULTIMATE HUMANE PUPPY DEATH METHOD.!!!!!

6) To deprive of life.

To do this we would have to take the puppy in our hands and deprive it of life. But what do they mean by life? What if we deprived the puppy of its will to live? Here is a humane way to accomplish this:

a) Put the puppy in a roomful of babies.

b) Allow the puppy to play with the babies and become attached to them. Make sure the puppy has learned the meaning of true love and companionship.

c) Take babies, put them in high speed blender on “Frappe.”

d) serve baby smoothie to puppy.

e) Reveal to puppy that his “special treat” was in fact the babies he had come to love. (note: Important to wait until after he has finished all of the baby mixture.)

f) Puppy will become distraught and lose its will to live.

g) Puppy smashes itself against a wall. h) puppy is deprived of life.

Incidentally, a pumpkin can be deprived of life by making it into a pie. So can puppies. But pumpkin pie is more delicious.