Brian: Our worse guest is animal expert, Richard Idelbert. (enter John Edward and Richard).

John Edward: First, let me thank you for having me. I have a new book coming out.

Brian: That’s great but we aren’t that interested in talking to you.

JE: Excuse me?

Brian: Yeah, we were hoping you could channel the spirit of someone actually interesting.

JE: Well that’s not really how it works.

Brian: Is this called Late Night with John Edward? No. It’s called my show so I make the rules. Now do Regis Philbin.

JE: I can’t just do that. And anyway, I think he’s still alive.

Brian: Look man, don’t be a douche. Just go with me on this one. Now put on Philbin!

JE: Okay...I’m seeing a ‘K’.

Brian: That’s Kathy Lee!

Brendan: Maybe it’s Kelly Ripa.

Richard: John, could you channel a dinosaur?

Brendan: That doesn’t even make sense. Dinosaurs don’t speak English, that’d be a bad interview. Regis say something funny!

JE: (begrudgingly) Well, Joy’s doing well. We played tennis with Gelman last weekend. Who wants to be a millionaire?!

Brian: Regis, very important question, what’s your favorite color?

JE: I’m seeing Yellow. Also, Regis Philbin is telling me to tell all of you that you should buy John Edward’s new book. On sale this Friday.

Brendan: Who the fuck is John Edwards?

Richard Idelbert: That guy you’ve been interviewing...

Brian: Now do Walken, Philbin!

Brendan: How about Woody Allen?

JE: Look, you guys are mistaken. I don’t do impressions and all these people are still alive.

Brendan: Oh, come on. Just one Shatner.

Richard: I would like to talk to a Dodo Bird.

Brian: Richard!? When did you come out here. Let’s talk about some animals!

JE: The book is called-

Brian: Shut up, Philbin! You had your time.

Brendan: Thank you so much Dr. Idelbert for coming here. What animals did you bring for us tonight?

Richard: What? Brought?

Brian: The animals you brought.

Richard: No, I didn’t bring any animals. I actually don’t handle animals at all, haha. I just know a lot about animals.

Brendan: But Doctor--

Richard: Please! Doctor Idelbert was my father, and he won’t let me forget it. I’m just a high school gym coach.

Brian: Well, Coach Idelbert, what about all the zany antics that animals do on these shows?

Richard: Well...you could feed me.

Brendan : What? No! Get out of here.

Brian: We hate both of you. Never come back. Executive Producer, James Frey, make sure we never book these two knuckleheads again!

Brendan: Well this has been a lot harder than we thought.

Brian: Tune in tomorrow for two all new hosts. Stay tuned for paid advertising.

However, the Ampersand is most concerned about Jimmy Fallon as the new host of “Late Night.” Not that there’s anything wrong with Jimmy Fallon. It’s just that we auditioned for that job too. We’re not saying that we are better than Jimmy Fallon, but we will let you compare our test show with the first episode of his program.

Setting: Rockefeller Center’s legendary Studio 6-B. A small test crowd is trickling into the audience seating. Tension is high as the audience awaits the arrival of the young, unknown comedians. Yet, interest soon turns to bewilderment as the audience begins to realize their surroundings. The set consists of a large shower curtain with numerous pictures. The photographs are obviously Polaroid pictures depicting Brian and Brendan making out with each other in McDonald’s Play Places across the country. They are held on the curtain with staples and scotch tape. A projection of a homemade movie begins to play on the screen. It is a reenactment of the pottery wheel seen from the 1991 film “Ghost” starring a naked Brian and Brendan as Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore’s characters respectively.

The rest of the set is a replica of an ER. It is completely deserted until a paramedic team wheels in a heart attack victim on a stretcher. They begin to operate on the patient until an alarm on set goes off. “12:35!” the doctors exclaim,
“Time to watch the show!” They throw the patient’s body through the fake window. This appalls many of the audience members and they groan at the insensitivity of the joke. Nonetheless, people remain seated, eager to give the nubile writers their chance at television stardom.

The house band begins to play. Composed of a former cocktail waitress and a nine year-old playing Guitar Hero III, the woman screamed out the lyrics to K-Ci and Jo-Jo’s “All My Life” over the guitar part for “My Name is Jonas” by Weezer. The apparent theme song is then cut short because the woman starts crying and shouting at a certain “Rodrigo” about the best years of her life. Such an outburst makes the boy lose his concentration and subsequently the level. They both run offstage in embarrassment.

At this point we emerge from behind the curtain. We immediately begin our monologue:

Brian: Oh boy, it was really hot out today!

Brendan: How hot was it?

Brian: Umm, 88 degrees I think.

(The audience groans)

Brendan: Say, Brian, have you heard the one about syphilis?

Brian: No, I don’t think so.

Brendan: Why, it’s all over town.

(After finishing the joke to no applause, Brendan walks to the side of the stage and throws up all over the floor. He then goes to lie down on the couch.)

Brian: Okay, umm… do you guys know about…uhh

(Brian quickly whips out a popsicle from his jacket pocket and feverishly starts eating it. When he finishes the popsicle, he reads the riddle on the stick).

Hahahahaha, oh this one’s good. What did one firecracker say to the other firecracker? My pop is bigger than yours!

(One woman in the crowd laughs. Brian unleashes his mannerism when he tells a joke that goes over well. He begins moving his hand in an up and down motion near his groin. The crowd begins to whisper in embarrassment).

Brian: What? I’m churning butter! (No applause). All right, that’s awesome. Let’s end it there. We got a great show for you tonight. I’m in it, so stick around.

The woman does not laugh and she asks, “Hey, how old are you?”

“22,” Brian responds. “Why?”

“Ah, I was just wondering how long it’s been since you’ve been in a vagina.”

The woman’s witty retort takes Brian aback. The cigar falls from the puppet’s mouth and lands on the floor. A small fire begins in the seats and the audience starts frantically looting the set.

Sensing a complete loss of control, Brendan immediately gets up from his stupor. He tries to attract interest from the audience by asking them if they “would like to see our first bit.” A smattering of applause comes from the crowd, so Brendan grabs Brian and has him sit behind the desk. Sweating nervously, Brendan realizes that he does not remember the first bit.

Brendan: Umm…hey…let’s ahh…how about…I think…umm…maybe it’s time to…possibly take a look…into the future?

Brian: The future Conan?

Brendan: Yeah…uhh…co-host Brian Morgan…umm…let us all look into the future…all the way to the year 2000.

Brian’s pubescent singing voice cracks as he shouts, “In the year 2000, in the year 2000.” The bit went like this:

George W. Bush won the Presidential election...I ate a muffin...It was a leap year...My Grandma died...Microsoft was ruled to have violated anti-trust laws...I took a nap.

Once again, Brendan realizes that the audience has grown disinterested. He moves behind the desk to reveal a large lever to the crowd. Brendan places it on the desk and pulls on the lever. It plays a scene from “Growing Pains” where Tracey Gold’s character, Carol, is eating a ham sandwich and her brother, Mike, yells, “A pig for a pig.” Brian laughs hysterically at the joke and yells, “She almost died of anorexia when she was on that show, hahaha.”

Brendan, still not satisfied with the crowd’s negative reactions, asks a producer where the mailbag is. The producer throws the bag at him, but there are no letters in the bag. Brian comes back from offstage with the large water tank David Letterman uses for his game “Will It Float?” Brian starts throwing rocks into the tank and yells at Brendan to come over to the other side of the set.

Brian: Can we get a camera in here to give us a tight shot?

Brendan: Brian, what the hell are you doing? Everyone knows that stones sink.

Brian: Yeah, but look how shiny the rocks are when I put them in water.
(The producers cut to commercial).

Everyone has their own opinion as to who should play Spring Fling this May, but wish with caution: Your favorite act may not turn out as planned. Take these tales of Spring Flings past as tales of caution…

1896: Way, way back, the “Spring-time Gaiety Festival” did not just feature music, but plays, lectures, and vaudeville. The 1896 production of “Henry VIII” took place during a torrential rainstorm, and the producers, not thinking to book an indoor spot in case of rain, performed outdoors, in front of a sparse crowd. Three cast members came down with pneumonia, and the actress playing Anne Boleyn was struck by lightning. The Connecticut Shakespeare Guild later settled out of court.

1928: Kevin Kingsbury and the 5^th Street Quartet refuse to finish their set when the stage is overrun with kids doing the Charleston. This particular Spring Fling was also notable for a buried still of bathtub gin exploding under Foss Hill.

1951: A series of four different acts are scheduled for Spring Fling, and each is declared communist. No live music is ultimately scheduled, replaced by a record playing God Bless America and a medley of John Phillip Sousa marches.

1975: In an incredible coup, the Spring Fling committee manages to book Elvis after the previously scheduled Neil Young is forced to back out due to a confrontation with an angry southerner. The performance, rescheduled from its usual time to nightfall, attracts thousands to Foss Hill, but the King doesn’t take the stage until 11:30 and proceeds to slur through his songs, talk for ten minutes about his recent bowel movements, and fall face-first into the crowd in the middle of “Suspicious Minds.”

1988: Rick Astley rolls into Spring Fling. He is underappreciated.

1992: Two divergent groups on the activities board spend the entirety of the winter pushing for 2 Live Crew and Sinead O’Connor, respectively. After tensions rise to the point where every meeting ends in a flurry of racial and sexual orientation-related slurs, the administration steps in and selects a compromise act. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch ends up pleasing no one.

Season 5 winner Taylor Hicks was spotted in the 96th street subway station in New York City. Voice reverberating throughout the tile-lined corridors, Hicks was seen singing his soulful tunes into a portable cd/radio player next to an open guitar case. "I've found that American Idol really has gained me a lot of fame," Hicks said when we walked closer. "I get a lot of second takes from passersby, as if they can't believe that they're really listening to the Taylor Hicks on the morning commute. It was tough, getting this spot in the 96th street station. Those auditions are rough, especially with your competition being guys with a bamboo flutes and synths."

When Clay Aiken was mentioned, a disgusted look crossed Hicks' face. "Aiken? Please, the man didn't even win American Idol. So what if he has more albums out than me?" Our staff attempted to contact Aiken, but was unable to contact the star directly. Rumor has it that Aiken is looking to make an appearance on next season's Fear Factor in hopes of winning another Reality Show Fan Favorite award.

Little is known of many of the other Idol winners. Hicks said that he has heard that Carrie Underwood, winner of season 4, is now holding a sign advertising a furniture blowout sale outside a mall in New Jersey.

"I heard that Ruben Studdard was trying to use his fame to get a pastry or sandwich or something named after him. I don't know about you, but a Studdard sandwich? No thanks," Hicks commented.

She would explain that those people are like Winnie Cooper from the sitcom The Wonder Years. In the first couple seasons of The Wonder Years, Winnie Cooper was cute in a little girl way. She had decent features, a nice smile, and a heartbreaking coyness stemming from the death of her brother in Vietnam. However, as she grew older and the series progressed, she became less attractive. I am not sure if this was the writers’ fault because her storyline required her to be in a sullen state for most of the time, which contrasted highly with the banal conflicts that Kevin faced. This reminds of the seventh most unique episode of The Wonder Years where Kevin had to deal with the fact that Wayne gets to use the riding lawnmower because Wayne is older than Kevin, while Winnie had to figure out how to disarm nuclear warhead without disturbing her parents’ arguments over how they going to pay for her mother’s hospital bills. Ostensibly, Winnie and Kevin should never have been in the same universe. Their affiliation was in the character relationship dead zone. Much like a scene between Groucho and Harpo Marx, Slater and Screech, or Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana, if they were alone in a scene both characters would spontaneously combust.

Quick Question:

Would you rather blow up a completely random building (any type of building, ranging from skyscraper to prison) that at least 1,000 strangers were inside of and not get caught or kill your nemesis in front of everyone you respect in the world?

I was always satisfied with this explanation as to why I should never stray too far away from my home. That is until I was recently eating lunch with a lady friend named Sarah. In between discussing the repercussions for the UNLV Runnin’ Rebels inability to win back to back National Championships and whether Tumblin’ Dice is the fifth greatest Rolling Stones song, we began to talk about the low income housing in her hometown outside of St. Paul, Minnesota. She compared these tenements in her hometown to Nirvana’s Incesticide, an album consisting solely of b-sides and rarities that were made in between the releases of Bleach and Nevermind. Sarah eloquently reminded me that no one would ever speak negatively about Incesticide, yet no one’s favorite Nirvana song is on that album. In a lot of ways, I found that Sarah was right. It was an interesting place to visit in my younger days and I think part of the reason I liked it was because I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there. Incesticide was the same. It was a bunch of songs that weren’t supposed to come out. The only reason they were there was because they didn’t fit with the prior albums they put out. I quickly realized that my mother’s prior advice about the tenements was actually the eighth best piece of advice she ever gave me (in between my mother likening my getting bumped off Jimmy Kimmel Live to the NBA not allowing Wilt Chamberlain to take jump shots from the free-throw line and my lack of self-assurance around women to Jack McDowell’s inability to win a second Cy Young Award).

At any rate, this gets me to the tenth best piece of advice that my mother ever gave me. She once said to me when I was really sick before my high school football game. She said, “Just do the best you can.”  That sentiment stayed with me and reminds me of this new album from Dudes Ahoy, a Wesleyan based, all male non-vocal a cappella group. They don’t sing, they don’t play instruments but they go out there and hum and snap as best they can. They line up, get in tune, and give it their all. Have you heard their cover of Van Halen’s “Panama”?  It’s unique but it stays true to the original.  As they sway in time to the song, you can almost imagine David Lee Roth making inappropriate statements to girl in her car in a Denny’s parking lot. Sure, they have their shortcomings but they’re like those tenement houses of my childhood, which is somehow perfect

At eleven in the morning on Friday, my parents called me to ask if we could meet up for lunch.

“Meet up?” I asked. “I'm just getting up, old people.”

This is what I'm talking about. I actually felt like a college student when I was hungover and tired while eating my lunch with them. I felt like I owned them as I brought them along like dogs, showing them interesting structures and introducing them to people. For some reason they often tried to rationalize paying $50,000 a year for me to go to this school, what with my “attitude” and all.

“$50,000 a year? They serve pizza, hamburgers, and soft serve ice cream at every meal—it's totally worth it!” I assured them. I expected a high five from my dad, but for some reason he didn't reciprocate.

They canceled their reservation with the hotel after lunch and told me they would like to have a serious talk with me during fall break. Then they left an hour later, after I made them move my XBOX into my room. All in all, I would say they've finally realized that I'm a free man. You know parents—can't live with ’em, can't live without ’em. Anyway, I think I'm getting used to this college thing….

“Well, it's been fun showing you around campus, but I guess you should be getting back to the hotel… hmm, you're right, that music is pretty loud. I wonder what's going on. I was just planning on spending a quiet evening hanging out in my room, like I do every night. And, like, seriously, I have no idea what they're planning to do with all of those Solo cups they just walked in with.

Wait, are you saying you think that people drink here? Shit, mom, I swear I had no idea that was going on. They must just be kidding around; you know, trying to freak you out and stuff. I'm sure that any second now they'll come out and start studying for midterms. I told you—I have all of that juice in my fridge because I had a cold last week. Why else would it possibly be there?

So, are you ready to go back to the hotel now? Please? I have a paper I kind of want to get started on. What's that? Oh, I'm sure those two people are going into that room together to work on a project. They just lock the door so that no one will interrupt them while they're… collaborating. No, of course not, those rubber things in the bathroom are just for making balloon animals with.

That smell? It's air freshener, of course. I've heard that that sweet, kind of skunky odor you're picking up right now is Glade's best seller. Yeah, it's kind of gross, but you know how us college kids are. So, are you ready to leave yet?”